(Manchester): A group of musical enthusiasts have got together to form a new legal company who will specialise in all aspects of musical crime, from plagiarism to over-depressing song lyrics and, their most lucrative market, X-Factor.

"We're really hoping to cash in on X-Factor," admitted the Managing Director of iandurylawyers4u, Bob Marley (formerly known as Christopher Brambles).

"Surely there's enough musical crime there to keep four companies like us going."

As it stands the company have two successful cases under their belt. The first was a man from Merthyr Tydfil who successfully sued Barry White's estate after he spent £47 on albums from the star and yet still failed to achieve intercourse with any girlfriend he played them to.

The other was a much-publicised case of Entire World vs Duff where Hilary Duff was successfully sued by approximately 6.791 billion people over her cover version of "My Generation" by The Who.

Despite this, the company are having to fight off a number of legal challenges based around their apparent lack of knowledge about the law.

"It's annoying," said Marley. "Thankfully we've hired some lawyers in to look at the problem but we don't envisage any issues."

The company's Mission Statement is inspired by the Ian Dury and the Blockheads song, What A Waste.

"That song spoke to us, in it Dury sings 'I could be a lawyer with strategems and ruses'," explained Marley.

"We looked around and realised that despite having no legal training we have many strategems and ruses, we're all dedicated players of Dungeons & Dragons and I myself am a level 324 Imperial Mage with a fully upgraded wisdom stat.

"It's certainly better than being a chartered accountant."

Their adverts state "Ian Dury is a word meaning when you get hurt by someone or something and it wasn't your fault." and their current tag line is "No Lose, No Fee!".

When it was pointed out to them this was different to most other personal injury companies they were quick to put journalists right.

"We did explore the No Win, No Fee suggestion," admitted Marley. "But we found out it wasn't really a reliable business model, this way works much better."

(Washington): There was some shock felt in America today as Barack Obama added to his already bulging trophy cabinet with three new awards.

Obama was today named Hirsute Magazine's Beard Wearer of the Year, NME Magazine's International Album of the Year Artist and Time Magazine's Woman of the Year.

When asked about the first award Mr Archibald Sideboards, Editor of Hirsute Magazine admitted the constant clean shaven face of the president was a concern but the award was given in recognition of many excellent facial topiaries to come.

"He may not be wearing one right now and that's a problem," admitted Mr Sideboards.

"But just look at the man, he would obviously suit any number of facial furniture and we have no doubt soon in the future we shall see the President of the United States in a perfect Van Dyke."

More perplexing was perhaps Time's award for the 44th President.

"It's fair to say that Barack Obama may be described as vaginally challenged, possibly even over-penised for this award," said Richard Stengel, Managing Editor of Time.

"Having said that we can see the inner woman on Obama..."

Stengel then looked slightly strained and confused and left the podium.

Things may calm down for Obama until next week when he is expected to be named Banana Eater of the Century, English Poet Laureate and the Belgian Entry for the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest.

(Bromsgrove): Popular feline imagery hosting site icanhazcheeseburger.com is facing up to a massive payout after being found guilty of a number of charges including libel, defamation of character and copyright infringement.

This comes after a huge class action suit was brought against them by over 10'000 cats, featured on their site without permission.

"It's a terrible thing about the internet that anyone can use your image without seeming to care about the law," explained Head Lawyer Seamus O'Gingertom of the legal firm Catsington, O'Gingertom and Tiddles.

"We're determined to change this opinion by badly damaging this site in their wallet and showing the online world that you'll no longer be allowed to use and abuse photographs for amusement."

The prosecution are basing their case around the majority of images on the "LolCat" site that portrays innocent cats as stupid, grammatically incorrect and often obsessed by food.

"I studied four years of English at Oxford and I was pictured apparently saying 'ur pet dor haz a numbr of teknikal defishunsees wich u needz ta adrezz'" complained one cat known only as Witness C.

"The insult that I can't spell, let alone parse a sentence successfully is simply disgusting. One of my friends found the picture, tagged me in it on Facebook and then that, in turn, was found by a prospective employer.

"I lost a potential job as the head of Literacy at Yale because of that."

They also pointed out that the majority of these photos even showed their clients naked, sometimes in compromising positions.

Despite a passionate defence the website was found guilty of all charges. Sentencing will follow soon but a pre-emptive figure has been suggested of 300'000 cans of Whiskas, a selection of catnip toys shaped like fish and a 10 minute community service belly scratch this coming Tuesday.

"I will tell you this," said O'Gingertom to the press after the hearing.

"The owners of this site will no longer be Lol-ing."

(London): There was shock in political circles today after The Sun, long time supporter of the Labour Party changed it's allegiance to the Conservatives, severing all ties with Gordon Brown.

As part of its decision to break with Brown it has agreed to no longer shine on a Brown-led Britain plunging much of the country into perpetual darkness and leading to fears other celestial bodies may follow suit.

"As it stands we're waiting to see what happens," said The North Star. "If there is a consensus I think for the best of the country of Britain I will also stop shining over it."

In response the Labour Party released the following statement.

"Prime Minister Brown believes in Change and sees this as a potentially positive outcome. The Sun has been shining now for many millions, even billions of years. In that time there have been many disasters, crisis points and genocides.

"Considering all these bad things that have happened while being lit by The Sun perhaps it is time for a Change. Can we find an alternative source of heat and light? Yes We Can!"

Fellow God-owned entity The Moon was seen last night, despite Brown's fairly inadequate showing at the Labour Conference but has made no promises to be available for gazing at in the night sky from Wednesday evening.

Complaints and calls for a General Election to solve the constant night have been steady but relentless, except in Manchester where no-one has appeared to notice.

(London): It was revealed today that the retirement of Arsenal's head hypnotist is causing problems in Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger's tactical planning for games.

Hypnotist Paul Stephens has worked with Arsenal for many years and has been credited with many breakthroughs including convincing Patrick Viera every opposition player was Monsieur Broulard, his much hated maths teacher, prompting his uncontrolled violence.

However, Stephens retired at the end of the 2008/09 season and now Arsenal are suffering after the new squad hypnotist has been unable to remove or adapt Stephens' most successful work, his selective blindness hypnosis of manager Arsene Wenger.

Since his very first season in charge Wenger has used Stephens to hypnotise him pre-season so that during games he is incapable of seeing any Arsenal players on the pitch, thereby assisting in his denials of indiscretions in post match interviews.

The resounding success of this scheme has meant Wenger is now coming off his 12th year running winning the Brian Clough Memorial Denial Award, gifted to the manager who, during the season, misses the most fouls and ungentlemanly conduct by his own players.

Now, however, without a changing of Stephens' work last season, Wenger is still blind to any player who left Arsenal in the 2009 pre-season.

This was most pronounced during yesterday's game against Manchester City when confusion was seen repeatedly on Arsenal's bench.

"It was a nightmare from start to finish," admitted assistant manager, Pat Rice.

"We kept trying to tell him to mark Adebayor, press him tightly, do anything to stop him... and all he would say was he would if Adebayor was brought on.

"With (Kolo) Toure playing as well he couldn't understand why so many balls were being stopped around their box, he kept blaming divots and wind flow patterns..."

The Arsenal players came out for the second half noticeably confused after Wenger's half time comment telling them "this'll be easy, I can't understand why they've started the game with nine men" and were increasingly bemused after his post match berating of Emmanuel Eboue who he blamed as the scorer of Adebayor's goal.

"Obviously Arsene figured it was an own goal," said Rice. "Eboue was the most obvious candidate then."

There was one plus point to come from the confusion however, as his blindness allowed him to ignore an alleged stamp by Adebayor on Robin Van Persie which led him to be the first manager in the history of the Premier League to use the phrase "I didn't really see what happened" for the one-millionth time in a post match press conference.

To commemorate this Wenger was thrown a small party and presented a gold carriage clock that automatically adds 6 minutes to every 90 minutes counted and a cake in the shape of a pair of glasses.

There was a moment of sadness however when he looked around the room full of respectful Arsenal players, exclaimed he couldn't believe he'd been left alone at a time like this and began to weep.

(Westminster): Gordon Brown has moved to reinforce the Labour Party as the moralistic voice of the country by saying he will stand up and "solve the problems the Labour Party have created" before he leaves.

In answer to Conservative calls for a General Election Brown replied indignantly.

"I refuse to leave a job half done and feel that the British Public don't want to see politicians as quitters. We still have corrupt MPs, a floundering country, out of date infrastructure, a dead economy and an overbudget Olympics we can't really pay for any more... How would I look if I walked away from these issues and left them for someone else to clear up?

"Therefore I have edited the country's election rules and will do the honourable thing, refuse to stand down until I have fixed the messes I have made, my concience will allow no less."

Although this stance has led many political commentators to say Brown is facing things like a man and doing the honourable thing, some have questioned the timeframe put forward by the Prime Minister.

"Having spoken to many learned colleagues I have worked out that we should have the problems fixed, along with any new problems we create, by around 2025," said Brown.

"Therefore I shall do as the Conservatives wish and decide upon the 22nd of July 2025 for our next General Election.

"Should we still have problems to fix however I reserve the right to delay that decision and stay in power for as long as it takes to fix them."

Brown's decision has been called "very good" by his Great Aunt Phyllis who told the press he'd always been a boy to clean up his own messes and it was right he was allowed to finish the job.

Opposition leader David Cameron admitted to some reservations about the plan, largely surrounding the 16 year gap to the next election and Brown's plan to have the title "Prime Minister" changed to "Oh Exalted and Immortally Ruling One".

The debate continues.

(Birmingham): Thousands of fans have tuned in to a YouTube video featuring a new surprise singing sensation who appeared in an audition of Britain's Got Talent.

"She was amazing," said judge Amanda Holden. "As she was an older lady we, and the audience, fully expected some kind of screeching cacophony but it appears, despite her age, that she can actually produce correct notes."

Fellow judge Simon Cowell, who had only previously seen her perform in three previous auditions, a demo tape, two internet videos and a live performance at his 60th birthday party, admitted he was "totally shocked and surprised".

The revelation has shaken the music world who have, up to now, proscribed to the theory that at around 30 a woman's voice box contracts and no longer allows any kind of musical projection.

"We're having to rethink our whole belief about music," exclaimed Prof. Bartholemew Klumpenhausen of the Bognor Regis laboratory of mis-applied science.

"We've long held the belief older women, especially if they are photogenically challenged, are completely incapable of singing.

"This was based on an intensive sample of a selection of thirteen year old girls. In tests all four of them preferred Britney Spears over Dame Kiri Te Kanawa."

The singer, 72 year old Shirley Bassey from Tiger Bay, Cardiff, admitted she has sung before but a poll of Britain's Got Talent viewers found none of them had heard of her, although one did ask if she once toured with Lady GaGa.

For the video, taken from the last episode of Britain's Got Talent click HERE.

(London): In response to the revelations about Labour's smear emails the Tories have opened files of their own secret email conversations that they say prove what wonderful people they really are.

"It's despicable that the Labour Party are besmirching our good name in this way," Said Tory spokesperson Jesus Angelicus.

"This is especially hurtful as we were currently secretly releasing what we call our 'shine campaign' emails to the new WhiteFlag blog..."

The Tory emails describe Alistair Darling as 'A top bloke with great financial sense', Gordon Brown's marriage as 'a moralistic coupling that's an inspiration to the whole country' and Jacquie Smith's recent new haircut as 'simply fabulous and it takes 10 years from her'.

These conversations have been described by the Conservatives as proof that they, rather than the Labour Party, should be in charge.

"As much as we think the whole of Labour are lovely people," said Angelicus. "we really would quite like a chance to be in charge as we are ever so nice."

The spokesman then gave all the reporters a bun and a pamphlet for the new Conservative Party, "the only choice for any pleasant people in the country."

(Sepang): The Malasian Grand Prix finished with a surprise victory for a British competitor today.

Despite starting slowly it was a late burst that finally won the full points for Dame Ellen MacArthur in her B&Q sponsored Formula One boat.

MacArthur's boat on the main straight.

Early laps were slow leaving MacArthur running 27 laps behind after 31, but a late surge thanks to a helpful change in the weather brought the plucky Brit the top step of the podium.

"We knew we had a chance once the clouds came in," admitted the sailing Dame.

"It was slow going to begin with but we knew we were going to pick up time later on. We trusted that the teams would all make the wrong vehicle decision..."

MacArthur was proven right around the 28th lap when all the other teams kept with their original strategy of using cars.

"We just made the right choice for the race," said MacArthur's engineer, Murray Stroller. "The other teams were all staying with wheels but we knew our strategy would come good in the end."

The victory lifts MacArthur up to first place in the drivers table of the new Formula One Motor Racing and Aquaplaning Championships.

(London): In the latest in a long line of cost cutting measures has seen ITV secretly replace David Pleat with a low cost computer simulation, a ploy undetected until being discovered by an intrepid AJNN reporter.

It can now be revealed that for the last three live matches on ITV the summarising, believed by viewers to be ex-manager Pleat, was actually done by the Clichetron 4000, a new artificial intelligence machine designed to provide expert cliches at opportune moments.

With almost 20 summarising phrases such as "they need to score", "one goal is never enough" and "they're passing the ball around" the machine is indistinguishable from Pleat in active service.

ITV have been so pleased with the machine they've already pre-ordered the new "post match 1.4" module, to be released later in the year, to replace Andy Townsend.

The add-on will have a collection of excuses, using ITV's touch screen technology, for almost every England failure.

There are also high hopes for the 1.5 module, planned for the beginning of next year, which may finally be able to answer the question "Ashley Cole, why?"