(London): What onlookers are describing as "A shocking portent of Armageddon" has prompted scientific, political and religious minds all over the country of England to suggest we may be seeing the end of civilisation as we know it.

The drama began at 0824 on the morning of Saturday the 19th of July when Mr Bertram Coppleton of Many-Winding-On-The-Wold, Dorset exited his front door and was taken aback by a bizarre collection of natural phenomena, the like of which hasn't been seen since records began.

"I just went out to get the milk, my usual Saturday morning routine," said Mr Coppleton, 42, who runs the Ladies Beard Waxing Parlour in the village.

"There, staring at me was the most shocking sight I'd ever seen, something I'd have to attribute to the work of Beelzebub himself."

Mr Coppleton conacted the police who, equally baffled, brought in some of the finest minds in the country today.

Despite spending hours exploring the signs a conclusion has yet to be arrived at, although the man put in charge of the think-tank, Dr Jeremy Dullswick, a Professor of Cheese at Norfolk University, has been left in no doubt of what he believes is Götterdämmerung.

"We really can't find any logical reason for these unique happenings except as portents of the end," admitted Dr Dullswick.

"A flaming ball of gas in a blue sky and a light much brighter than normally seen in this country, it's shockingly unscientific..."

The confusion has simply been added to after the group contacted a brains trust in the South of France who seemed extraordinarily disinterested by the findings.

"We were taken aback," said a taken aback Dr Dullswick.

"It was like they see this kind of thing all the time..."

Experiments are continuing.

(Wimbledon, London): The Lawn Tennis Association today revealed their entry qualifications for next year's tournament with a Wimbledon official promising it will help make Wimbledon 2009 a bigger and better spectacle for supporters.

"These rules have been debated long and hard in the Wimbledon boardroom," said tournament spokesperson Murray McRacket.

"This will smooth over the faults we've seen for the last few years in the tournament and make it much more interesting."

The new rules are as follows:

1) Automatic entry will be given to any player in the top 40 in the world, as long as they meet the requirements set out in appendix 1.

2) Remaining places will be handed out to players dependant on world ranking and previous Wimbledon performance, subject to the player meeting the requirements set out in appendix 1.

3) Any player can, at the tournament organiser's discretion, be awarded a bye into any round the organiser's feel is worthy of their placing.

4) All matches will be decided across three sets for women's singles and five sets for men's singles, followed by a public phone vote and a round with the clapometer in the court. The votes will be run according to the rules set out in appendix 2.

5) The organiser's decision is final, the winning of a match does not necessarily grant the victor a game in the next round.

Appendix 1 - Player eligibility.

All players must fulfil one of two qualifications.

1) Be British.

or

2) Have never played tennis before.

Appendix 2 - voting rules.

All public phone votes will have the numbers printed clearly on the screen along with the disclaimer "Please do not vote for Andy Murray's opponent as your vote will not be counted but you may still be charged.

Despite the new regulations William Hill, BetFair and Ladbrokes all have Andy Murray at 5,000,000-1 to win Wimbledon in the next ten years.

(Heaven): There was surprise and indignation around the world today when God admitted that the constant stream of sunshine on a Monday morning was a planned attempt at punishing mankind.

"Seriously, you guys just twist my beard the wrong way," said the deity when interviewed on God.TV.

"Wars, homophobia, abuse, a lack of caring for the environment... I gotta find SOME way to stop you people being so stupid."

For many years weather related punishments have been rife with wet bank holiday mondays widely seen as a sign of God's displeasure at the continued popularity of The Krankies.

Now this new scheme looks so effective it will become a year-long scheme with days specially made longer during Winter just to torment people with bright sunny Mondays.

However, the news wasn't all bad.

"I've given you guys a break with no rain through Wimbledon," admitted God.

"But that's largely because I can't stand the thought of Cliff Richard singing again either..."

(London): Ministerial spokesperson Malcolm DeConnerie today told reporters that the Government were highly apologetic after a member of the public discovered the Minister for Barking the Rt Hon Margaret Hodge MBE left on the 12.15 London to Liverpool train.

Hodge, Minister of State at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, appears to have been mislaid by a lesser member of the civil service who had been taking her to a conference in Winchester.

The minister was discovered by Mr John Pratt of Liverpool who handed the mislaid lady to the News Of The World for safekeeping.

"I couldn't believe it," said Mr Pratt. "I sat down and nudged something with my foot, I was expecting a used beer can, not an information laden Sexagenarian that any terrorist could have read."

The News of the World handed the minister over to a government courier with assurances she hadn't been read by Mr Pratt or themselves.

DeConnerie read a statement out during the press conference: "We are extremely concerned about what has happened and we will be taking steps to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future.

"From now on all ministers will have to be signed for when removed from the premises and will be tagged with a GPS tracking device."

The discovery came only days after Secretary of State for Innovation, Universities and Skills John Denham was found abandoned on a roundabout in Devon.

(London): ITV were today celebrating commissioning a brand new Reality TV show called 'Cut Out The Middleman' that promises to streamline the Reality TV genre.

The show will avoid the current short stop for entrants in either musical theatre, the world of pop or talkshows and move straight to the end product.

"It's making things a lot more simplistic," said ITV spokesperson Michael Paid.

"Right now entrants go through so many levels, the selection process, the show itself, the trauma of voting off or eviction, then another useless middle stage of some kind of fame before the final destination of panto star or Big Issue salesperson."

To successfully pass the audition process all entrants will need to show a complete lack of shame or self interest.

"Why make these poor people go through a pop career or some kind of West End show simply to fade into a more logical job," asked Paid.

"This way we 'Cut Out The Middleman' and they end up where we all know they will..."

There have already been thousands of entrants hoping to win Season One's big prize, the chance to present the Crochet Hour on QVC between 3 and 4am with a guaranteed spot in the Wilton on Tone village production of Peter Pan as second Pirate on the left.

(London): In a special report we here at the AJ News Network can exclusively reveal the behind the scenes conspiracy that has dogged the opening of Heathrow's new Terminal 5.

When opened T5 was seen as the latest expansion in a busy airport that would facilitate easy travel for thousands of British tourists.

However, shocking evidence has now come to light to suggest an ulterior motive.

The AJNN corporation have in their possession documents signed by many of the major European heads of state promising to subsidise Heathrow's expansion as long as it met "certain criteria".

These criteria, that included the proviso that the entire admin system would run on a Sinclair Spectrum 48K, were put together over the course of a few months by the European states and had to be put into practice with no argument or the money would not be forthcoming.

The committee have now agreed to go public on their reasons.

"It seemed the best way," said spokesperson Pierre Lapierre.

"This way none of the European countries have to deal with any British tourists this Summer."

Stating such reasons as drunken behaviour, the wearing of speedos and the insistence of tomato ketchup with every meal the new T5 was seen as the only way to prevent any British person from flying abroad.

"Seriously, it was no trouble at all to raise the money," said Lapierre.

"Once we realised just a few million pounds from each nation would stop us from ever having to see one more pasty white chav in burberry swimming shorts in our lovely countries again it all came together nicely.

"In fact we still have some left over, the committee are in talks as we speak with the Eurostar consortium about a new terminal at St Pancras..."

(Seattle): Huge financial penalties were looming today after various social networking sites sued and counter-sued each other over the poaching of their hottest talent.

The crisis began when highly viewed MySpacer VapidHotChick received an email invite from opposition site Bebo.

Her post on it in her MySpace blog prompted the company to file a lawsuit against Bebo through Social Networking lawyers Bloggit, Stumble 'n' Digg.

"It's a clear case of tapping up," said Eustace F. Bloggit, partner at the firm.

"VapidHotChick is a serial inviter who insists on anyone she meets joining MySpace where they can look at her 'artistic' profile photo.

"This attempt by Bebo is nothing short of a malicious theft of revenue from my esteemed customer."

Bebo have counter sued MySpace over what they say is an equal charge of tapping up after a 'concerted push' by MySpace to attract virginal computer nerds, a Bebo staple, with their users' scantily clad images.

This has caused a stunning tit-for-tat fight between the various networking sites and a sudden cease-fire of all mass-marketing spam from all sites pending a legal review.

Potentially one of the most stunning moves was the potential move of BCUK founder member Juzzzy to Blogspot, a move that only fell through when neither side could agree on who was supposed to pay who.

(Cambridge): There were waves of shock running through the magical otherworlds today when writs were served against one of it's most popular charitable philanthropists.

According to official court records Mr E. Bunny of 12, the Burrows, Fairy Forest has been named Defendant in a class action lawsuit featuring approximately 9 million cases of supplying an addictive substance knowingly.

Mr Bunny has been distributing rich chocolate snacks around the world for many decades now but is now becoming the rather big butt of the obese's problems.

"He knew he'd get me hooked," said Mrs Zelda Fremington of Chicago, Illinois.

"Once I had one... I knew there was no chance of me ever giving up."

His goods, known on the street as 'brown', 'yummy' and 'nom nom', have gone so far around the world to be recogniseable to most of the civilised population.

"It's all his fault I'm like this," said Fremington, a mother of one who's trailer is the largest in the park of 4,000.

"Some day's I eat so much of his gear I can barely finish an entire Bargain Bucket from KFC..."

Mr Bunny has so far been unavailable for comment but the prosecuting lawyers, Robbem, Filchem and Nabbit, have released the following statement.

"This is just the first case where a so-called "imaginary" character will be brought to task for problems they themselves recklessly create."

One more class action suit is currently being prepared by Robbem, Filchem and Nabbit.

Reportedly it is against a Mr Patrick Saint, prosecuting against various regretted sexual encounters due to the partaking of Guinness as promoted by his Holy self in March.

(Washington): The UN today were forced into an emergency seating after George Bush announced the United States of America had invaded yet another facist dictatorship in hope of freeing it's downtrodden masses, Iowa.

The attack, codenamed Operation Buckwheat, began with a sudden surge of armed forces from across America and many of it's Allies.

In a worrying development there were reports that many US soldiers were already placed in the largely farming country known in American as Iowa, also known in the native tongue as Iowa.

After a drive that moved forces deep into the heart the invasion stalled for a short time when all enemies appeared to be under deep cover, meaning a complete lack of resistance and a disturbingly easy entrance.

The seemingly peaceful invasion however took a turn for the worse when, in the middle of an advance into capital Des Moines, Corporal Hank Callaghan was given a rather nasty slap by Iowan resident Edith Prickleton after he trampled the hydrangeas in her front garden.

From that point the invasion was stepped up from Condition Taupe to Condition A-Sort-Of-Greenish-Blue and Martial Law declared.

"I can't wait to visit a free Iowa," exclaimed President Bush in a national address.

"I feel we've struck a... a... a strike against the enemy in the War on Terror."

However a short press conference was called by deposed Iowa Governer Chet Culver.

"With full respect to the Commander in Chief I make the following statement... You don't have to invade everywhere with a four letter name beginning with an I you inbred hick.

"Thank you for coming."

There was widespread shock across the popular cybergirlongirl.co.uk chatrooms today when it was discovered one member of the lesbian-only site, Melinda Cranxford, was discovered to be not only a woman, but a lesbian.

"It's abysmal," ranted site member FoxyRoxy36D, "We come on here to meet hot bisexual girls, not women who only like women."

Roxy, real name James Lovemeat, a 42 year old father of one from Nailsea, was the first member to complain about Cranxford when she repeatedly refused to take part in threesome cyber sex.

"It was a real shock when I asked her the standard question "would you ever go with a bloke" and she replied no!" Exclaimed Roxy/Lovemeat.

"Standard chatroom protocol is to say yes and make up a quick story of a drunken fumble which fired off a secret desire for sex with men..."

Cranxford also failed to take part in the site's most popular fantasy, the woman given a magical penis and allowed to have sex exactly like a man.

When the AJNN crew researched the 192,494 members of the site 192,493 admitted to being male with the final member asking for 14 years of crossdressing as a panto dame to be taken into consideration.