(Westminster): Gordon Brown has moved to reinforce the Labour Party as the moralistic voice of the country by saying he will stand up and "solve the problems the Labour Party have created" before he leaves.

In answer to Conservative calls for a General Election Brown replied indignantly.

"I refuse to leave a job half done and feel that the British Public don't want to see politicians as quitters. We still have corrupt MPs, a floundering country, out of date infrastructure, a dead economy and an overbudget Olympics we can't really pay for any more... How would I look if I walked away from these issues and left them for someone else to clear up?

"Therefore I have edited the country's election rules and will do the honourable thing, refuse to stand down until I have fixed the messes I have made, my concience will allow no less."

Although this stance has led many political commentators to say Brown is facing things like a man and doing the honourable thing, some have questioned the timeframe put forward by the Prime Minister.

"Having spoken to many learned colleagues I have worked out that we should have the problems fixed, along with any new problems we create, by around 2025," said Brown.

"Therefore I shall do as the Conservatives wish and decide upon the 22nd of July 2025 for our next General Election.

"Should we still have problems to fix however I reserve the right to delay that decision and stay in power for as long as it takes to fix them."

Brown's decision has been called "very good" by his Great Aunt Phyllis who told the press he'd always been a boy to clean up his own messes and it was right he was allowed to finish the job.

Opposition leader David Cameron admitted to some reservations about the plan, largely surrounding the 16 year gap to the next election and Brown's plan to have the title "Prime Minister" changed to "Oh Exalted and Immortally Ruling One".

The debate continues.

(Birmingham): Thousands of fans have tuned in to a YouTube video featuring a new surprise singing sensation who appeared in an audition of Britain's Got Talent.

"She was amazing," said judge Amanda Holden. "As she was an older lady we, and the audience, fully expected some kind of screeching cacophony but it appears, despite her age, that she can actually produce correct notes."

Fellow judge Simon Cowell, who had only previously seen her perform in three previous auditions, a demo tape, two internet videos and a live performance at his 60th birthday party, admitted he was "totally shocked and surprised".

The revelation has shaken the music world who have, up to now, proscribed to the theory that at around 30 a woman's voice box contracts and no longer allows any kind of musical projection.

"We're having to rethink our whole belief about music," exclaimed Prof. Bartholemew Klumpenhausen of the Bognor Regis laboratory of mis-applied science.

"We've long held the belief older women, especially if they are photogenically challenged, are completely incapable of singing.

"This was based on an intensive sample of a selection of thirteen year old girls. In tests all four of them preferred Britney Spears over Dame Kiri Te Kanawa."

The singer, 72 year old Shirley Bassey from Tiger Bay, Cardiff, admitted she has sung before but a poll of Britain's Got Talent viewers found none of them had heard of her, although one did ask if she once toured with Lady GaGa.

For the video, taken from the last episode of Britain's Got Talent click HERE.

(London): In response to the revelations about Labour's smear emails the Tories have opened files of their own secret email conversations that they say prove what wonderful people they really are.

"It's despicable that the Labour Party are besmirching our good name in this way," Said Tory spokesperson Jesus Angelicus.

"This is especially hurtful as we were currently secretly releasing what we call our 'shine campaign' emails to the new WhiteFlag blog..."

The Tory emails describe Alistair Darling as 'A top bloke with great financial sense', Gordon Brown's marriage as 'a moralistic coupling that's an inspiration to the whole country' and Jacquie Smith's recent new haircut as 'simply fabulous and it takes 10 years from her'.

These conversations have been described by the Conservatives as proof that they, rather than the Labour Party, should be in charge.

"As much as we think the whole of Labour are lovely people," said Angelicus. "we really would quite like a chance to be in charge as we are ever so nice."

The spokesman then gave all the reporters a bun and a pamphlet for the new Conservative Party, "the only choice for any pleasant people in the country."

(Sepang): The Malasian Grand Prix finished with a surprise victory for a British competitor today.

Despite starting slowly it was a late burst that finally won the full points for Dame Ellen MacArthur in her B&Q sponsored Formula One boat.

MacArthur's boat on the main straight.

Early laps were slow leaving MacArthur running 27 laps behind after 31, but a late surge thanks to a helpful change in the weather brought the plucky Brit the top step of the podium.

"We knew we had a chance once the clouds came in," admitted the sailing Dame.

"It was slow going to begin with but we knew we were going to pick up time later on. We trusted that the teams would all make the wrong vehicle decision..."

MacArthur was proven right around the 28th lap when all the other teams kept with their original strategy of using cars.

"We just made the right choice for the race," said MacArthur's engineer, Murray Stroller. "The other teams were all staying with wheels but we knew our strategy would come good in the end."

The victory lifts MacArthur up to first place in the drivers table of the new Formula One Motor Racing and Aquaplaning Championships.

(London): In the latest in a long line of cost cutting measures has seen ITV secretly replace David Pleat with a low cost computer simulation, a ploy undetected until being discovered by an intrepid AJNN reporter.

It can now be revealed that for the last three live matches on ITV the summarising, believed by viewers to be ex-manager Pleat, was actually done by the Clichetron 4000, a new artificial intelligence machine designed to provide expert cliches at opportune moments.

With almost 20 summarising phrases such as "they need to score", "one goal is never enough" and "they're passing the ball around" the machine is indistinguishable from Pleat in active service.

ITV have been so pleased with the machine they've already pre-ordered the new "post match 1.4" module, to be released later in the year, to replace Andy Townsend.

The add-on will have a collection of excuses, using ITV's touch screen technology, for almost every England failure.

There are also high hopes for the 1.5 module, planned for the beginning of next year, which may finally be able to answer the question "Ashley Cole, why?"

(London): The Labour party were hoping that Prime Minister Gordon Brown's latest revelation on his forefathers will breathe new life into the party.

After a long meeting with Barack Obama before the G20 summit in London Brown has revealed a swathe of new policies and moves for the Labour Party.

First he shared with the nation's newspapers the new slogan of the Labour party, "Yes I Think We Can" and said it was just part of their new "Change and Hope" initiative.

He also called for a more religious country, but one that would hold an open hand out to all different countries and beliefs.

He then retired for 2 hours before returning to give the auditorium it's biggest story of the day.

Now carrying a name badge for Gordack Hussein Brownama and with a face looking suspiciously the same colour as his newly polished shoes the Prime Minister admitted that he had been lying all along about his family history.

Rather than being Scottish, Brown admitted his father was actually Kenyan and that he himself was born and raised in Hawaii.

Finally he spoke out against his two main rivals, describing them as "a powerful female" and "an experienced old war veteran."

The offices of both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have released press statements claiming to be the old one.

(Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch): There was amazement across the blogging world recently when ManiaSeeds, a male of indeterminate years, broke the all time record for winning blog-held debates.

ManiaSeeds, real name Tam Jones, has written to the Guinness Book of Records saying that by his count he has now won the last 4,811,003 debates he's taken part in across the blogosphere with what he describes as "superior intellect".

Many detractors have pointed to ManiaSeeds argumentative tactics as unfair and, as such, means for disqualification.

"Hah, that's just jealousy and inferior intellect," blustered the blogger who posts on the site "http://im-right-youre-wrong.blog.co.uk.

"If they can't handle mid-debate topic changes, groundless accusations and steadfast stubbornness they have no place in the world of blogging!"

ManiaSeeds is adamant his tactics amount to nothing more than Alex Ferguson style "mind games" designed inside the rules to disorientate his opponents.

One such victim bleats a different tale...

"We were debating the placement of wind turbines in the North Sea," whined one unnamed loser to the debating king.

"Suddenly in comes this guy and starts talking about the way that you can't get a good Cheddar anymore...

"We tried pointing out we were discussing wind turbines but he accused us of being cheesists who prefered a nancy-boy French softie, said our attitude was impolite and declared himself the winner..."

Despite the occasional voice of disquiet MediaSeeds is still sure of his status among other bloggers.

"I've heard jokes about how letting me win just shuts me up but it's all in jest," boomed the Duke of Debate.

"More than one person has said it's just not worth trying to debate with me, and I'm sure they meant because I'd win..."

MediaSeeds' award ceremony was held in Cardiff at the weekend and was attended by a representative from the Guinness Book of Records, MediaSeeds and an untidy homeless man who'd been promised sandwiches for attending.

The sandwiches were ham.

(Washington DC): The truth behind Dick Cheney's appearance at Barack Obama's inaugeration ceremony has been released by insiders today after original claims suggested he was wheelchair-bound after injuring himself "packing his boxes" with too much enthusiasm.

An official report has now clarified that the ex-Vice President was, in fact, in two altercations with the White House marines.

The first came when Cheney was discovered in the basements of the White House planting what one onlooker described as an "egg sac".

The twelve-hundred eggs each contained a short, balding demonic foetus branded with the number 666, Cheney's extension on the White House internal dialling system.

In the resulting battle Cheney reportedly projectile spat bile at the marines before escaping into the air conditioning.

He was discovered by a larger group of searching marines in his office, attempting to build a nest from a number of top secret documents and his own bodily excretions.

Although one marine suffered a broken arm when dodging the man-sized safe Cheney threw at them the squad managed to subdue the former VP with the minimum of fuss, finally chaining him into a wheelchair under a cocktail of sedatives to keep him quiet during the ceremony.

Cheney was then escorted to a black limo to be taken away to the Mrs Maggle Home for Retired Despots where he will be kept in an identical replica to his Vice-Presidential Office under the belief the country changed their minds and let him stay on, a plan the new government think is safest for us all.

It is believed within 10 minutes of arriving Cheney used the unwired phone in the office to call for a number of airstrikes on Narnia, apparently worried about their potential for weapons of mass destruction.

The egg sac was humanely destroyed by holy water.

(Birmingham): Advertising executives at the prestigious McSmith McJones McSingh Advertising Company were today hanging another certificate on the wall as the company brought home the biggest award at the industries top ceremony, the Jammies.

This is the fifth year in succession the company has won the "Durrrr" award, given out every year for the advert deemed the most uninformative.

"We have to show that we are above the philistine peons who watch TV," said Jock McSingh, partner at the firm.

"We bring art and craft to advertising, there's no point just telling someone how good a product is, that doesn't show off how clever we are..."

The winning campaign was McSmith McJones McSingh's design for the Plasterati Testurassa supercar from Italy.

Eschewing any thoughts of showing the beautiful and powerful car the executives instead went with a groundbreaking advert that critics say "redefined the advertising genre".

For 30 seconds viewers watch a small purple chimpanzee throw a banana in the air and catch it, all the time singing "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta, the Pirates of Penzance.

Although there is no mention of the car, it's manufacturer or it's eventual use, the executives say it "portrayed the feeling of someone owning a Plasterati Testurassa".

The advert came close to winning a second award for "most gratuitous use of a show tune" but that award went to the LSD Advertising Corporation.

Their winning entry was the much heralded advert featuring 42 mechanics singing "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof to sell Vagineeze, the anti-thrush cream.

(London): While ordinary people are hitting the headlines with tales of credit crunch woe, the forgotten few are left in a much worse state.

Headlines are full of Eric the plasterer or Maureen the school dinner lady... but a new support group has been set up to remind us of another band of hurt and impoverished people... the Celebrity.

The new charity call themselves Loyal Luvvies With Nothing To Show, or LLWNTS, and are dedicated to bringing to the wider audience the troubles facing celebrities today.

"Look at the new series of I'm a Celebrity," said party spokesperson, Donny Osmond.

"One of the contestants is only picking up £7,500 for their two week stint, even the highest earners are on a paltry £30,000."

The charity's poster girl is going to be long time campaigner for debt, Carol Vorderman, asked to take a 90% pay cut and subsequently removed from Countdown.

Vorderman, now down to her last few million, has had to take to the streets to fund her insatiable Pot Noodle habit, doing simple arithmetic tricks for spare change.

The message from the group is clear.

"Send us your money," said Osmond. "Otherwise people like me won't be able to afford another solid gold statue of myself, I only have 12 left."

Truly, a sad, sad indictment of the credit crunch world we live in.