(London): In a public statement the Royal Family have announced the latest steps to mend the various structural problems besetting Buckingham Palace... DIY.

"One feels it would be awfully wrong not to use one's over 60s discount card at B&Q," said the newly overalled monarch.

"We firmly believe we can do all that is needed to our home to fix up any problems."

Her statement was backed up by paperwork showing the talents of all the members of the Royal Family who will take part.

The Queen herself is an excellent bricklayer and Prince Phillip has a degree in demolition (although that's usually diplomatic relations...) but lower members of the family will also play their part.

"After many years of dealing with Camilla's makeup my son Charles is an expert at reconstructing old crumbling facades ready for the public," enthused her Majesty.

"I also understand young Harry is most excellent at getting things plastered..."

Work has already begun at Buckingham Palace with the grounds being extensively dug up to allow access for the heavy machinery to approach the house, so far the only problem was when Princess Anne found herself stuck on the roof during some tiling.

Leaked blueprints explain that all the areas have been nicknamed after countries of the world, although the Princes have been refused entry into the part of the garden designated 'Iraq' for fear of endangering the corgis already stationed there.

(London): Today, it was reported that thanks to new advances in flight technology the Centre Court at Wimbledon will become a new island bringing much needed relief and welfare to African countries in the months it's not being used for the All England Tennis Championships.

It's taken an international thinktank of scientists from the UN, EU, USA and MFI to design and build the flying island that will carry the infamous CC to needy countries, all headed by world renowned meteorologist Professor Adam Peeing (47).

"We've been thinking for many years how to capture the limitless resource of water brought to the fore by Wimbledon," explained Prof. Peeing.

"We know the magical properties held by the Centre Court and now we can use it to bring rain to the world!"

In a secret black-ops test one seat from Centre Court was taken to Nibembia, a small African outpost that hadn't experienced any rain since a short drizzle in late September 1903.

"It was so heartening," exclaimed the Professor. "Within minutes of the seat being placed in the chief's hut we had a torrential downpour across a 5 foot radius, concentrated on the roof."

After seeing the look on the faces of the tribe as thy dunked themselves under the magical flow it was finally decided, the group's plan must come to fruition.

Now, the day after the final day of the All England Championships Centre a number of dignitaries and specially invited guests, including Jordan, Phil Tufnell and the spiky haired one from McFly nobody remembers, will gather.

They'll cheer off Centre Court as it takes flight to begin it's worldwide tour, bringing the love, and rain, of the United Kingdom to all the drought ridden nations of the world.

But was it all down to charity and philanthropy?

"I admit there's some narcissism," admitted the Professor, "I hope the African's look out, see the rain and say 'hurrah, it's Peeing it down!'"

(London): A father was today telling all and sundry about his pride in his 2 year old daughter's artistic talent being seen by the whole world as the London 2012 logo.

Mr Bertram Krankel lives in Hertfordshire and has worked for the design company Filchem & Twaddle for almost 19 years now as a late night cleaner in their London offices.

He told AJNN about the night one child's scribblings became a national icon.

"Well, Kylie had been playing with paints during the day and had spilled some over a piece of paper," said Mr Krankel.

"It merged into a funny shape so I thought I'd take it into the office to hang on the inside of my locker, I wanted something to remind me of her every time I got ready.

"I had no idea what would happen!"

In a story akin to a Disney movie that little piece of sentimentality became history through a complete stroke of luck.

"Mr Filchem was waiting in the foyer and as any doting father would I showed off Kylie's little effort," said Krankel with a huge smile on his face as he recalled the moment.

"He went nuts, grabbed it and called me a genius, asked if he could borrow it so of course I said yes and he ran off upstairs muttering something about just in time!"

For Filchem and his colleagues the 2 year old's doodle had become a godsend, all members of the F&T were unavailable for comment but the company did send this prepared statement.

"It is a foundation of the Filchem & Twaddle mindset to use all our resources to the full, upon finding a member of staff had a massively gifted advertising design family member it is hardly abnormal practice to offer them a commission."

The company also declined to answer our enquiry that the night in question was just 10 hours before the Olympic Committee were due to arrive to collect the new logo and that no other designs were found.

There was also the hush hush talks of a lawsuit being filed for infringement of copyright by Matt Groening citing improper sexual imagery.

For Mr Krankel it makes no difference.

"I don't care that people don't like it, think of how much money she'll make from merchandising! My baby, my baby!"