(Cambridge): Today sees the launch of a new therapy group for what is becoming the most prevalent addiction in the UK.

"They pulled me in with the prices, told me only needed a small amount and it wasn't addictive," said one anonymous user, 39, from Cambridge.

"That one hit, that first package full of shiny white goodness that gave me such a buzz... Then I found I needed more and more, slowly I found I couldn't live without at least one trip weekly."

Once a user has taken their first trip they'll find they need them with increasing regularity.

"I found myself getting cravings for one more trip, just one more," said another addict, a 30 year old Brit who now lives in France.

"I kept saying this would be the last one but deep inside I knew... I knew..."

It appears it's more than just the 'product' that keeps the users coming back but also a highly addictive cure for the 'munchies' that often accompanies each trip.

These specially prepared meatballs and sauce are currently under investigation for potential addictive substances.

If you fear you've become an addict you can contact Ikea-holics Anonymous today on 0800-FLATPACK or by emailing godineedanottoman@ikeaholics.com.

(London): Author of the famous Barry Snotter books, I.P. Freeley, has today gone to court to sue 47 branches of Waterstones, WH Smiths and Tesco along with online retailer Amazon for releasing her much-anticipated seventh novel early to the public.

'Barry Snotter and the Breathy Shallows' was due to be released on the 28th of July at 9am with people queuing for hours to find out the last tale of the teenage Satan worshipper.

But Freeley has flown into a rage after discovering the early release of many copies.

"It's an absolute disgrace," shouted the author.

"I've got receipts, real evidence that many people bought the book before release, damaging the story for the rest of the walking cashpoints *ahem* faithful readers."

Freeley showed this publication the most damning of all the evidence, a receipt from the Waterstones store in Flyingflicksville showing that the buyer, Arabella Hermione Harry Ron Blinkser, 42, purchased her copy at 59 minutes and 37 seconds past 8 on the morning of the 28th.

"We have documents to prove that many, many of the books were sold up to an entire minute before we had allowed them on sale," cried Freeley.

"It's obvious any early release would severely damage my profits *ahem* the magic of the storyline."

Freeley only stopped to inform us of her desired settlement of 42 gazillion pounds before being helped into her solid gold Humvee by her traditional quartet of well built male slaves to feast on truffles, champagne and small delicacies made of a mixture of 10 pound notes and children's tears.

(London): England Head Coach Steve McClaren has come up with a revolutionary new method to save the England team from their current monopoly.

"We all know what the defining factor was last time England won a World Cup," said McClaren.

"It wasn't players with more heart, management with tactical skills or home advantage.

"It was because we played in black and white with an old leather football."

McClaren has announced that from now on all England teams will take the field in black and white.

"This is it, this is the missing link," said McClaren.

"Who needs desire, passion, tactics, skill or a coherent formation? This is all we need to be winners..."

(Pau): The Tour de France was in shock today with the Pevleu Team's resignation from the tour after the drugs test to rider Roues deFormation.

Despite numerous seminars on performance enhancing drugs, reports looking at the phenomenon of blood transfusions and scientific explanations about the effects of steroids on the body, deFormation's drugs test came back negative for any illegal substance.

The result has shocked the rest of the Tour who were positive that a verbal agreement before the race began would have held firm.

"It's despicable, that's what it is," said Spaniard Campana De La Bicicleta.

"We all agreed before the Tour that a clean drugs test would be detrimental to the Tour and, to put it bluntly, cheating."

Thankfully for the Tour no other rider has tested negative so far but this revelation is sure to shock the world of professional cycling.

"The absence of any performance enhancing substances could seriously damage a rider," said the Tour's official chemist and dealer Dr Ungültige Drogen.

"It may cause a rider to receive groinal injuries from the hard saddles and constant erosion from cycling shorts.

"With such substances as most of our riders agree to use, injuries such as those vanish almost as fast as the riders' genitalia does."

So far deFormation has strenuously denied his innocence and has accused his supplier of passing him uncontaminated items.

The Police believe that deFormation was deluded into thinking he was taking Tour-agreed steroids when in fact it appears he was given Wine Gums.

The investigation is ongoing.

(California): Fans of the long running erotic soap Home and A-Play were today up in arms at the latest in what they see as "poorly scripted and weakly acted episodes".

The show, starring top porn performers Amanda Holdenopen and Dick Dickerson has been screened on the late night Omni-Manus Channel for 8 years now but has been slated recently by critics and fans alike.

"They jumped the shark on this one at the end of last season," said Head of the Fanzine Eric Fapell, 49, from the home he shares with his mother and 97 gerbils.

"The whole 'they shag in the shower and it's all a dream' thing was lame, and as for the supposed cliffhanger on 'Who Money Shotted JR'..."

Most agree that the show, sponsored by Kleenex, isn't keeping up the standards of excellent scripting and deep, believable acting performances that are the sole reason any viewer watches pornographic programming.

"The twisting plotlines and method acting were all that made it bearable," said Tommy Tanker, 52, as he adjusted the wrist brace required by his unfortunate work-related case of RSI.

"When you saw the actors connect with each other on the TV it drew you in made you stick with it.

"It's all about letting yourself vanish from the hectic life we lead into somewhere were everything seems better and people... get on."

When asked about the sexual content all the viewers provide a hard front.

"It's integral to the storyline and you just blank it out," said fan Mrs Hand. "All my five daughters love it."

Another was heard to explain how realistic it was all three main characters had let the plumber perform intercourse with them in unnatural ways.

He was asked to explain in more detail but the man, Mr Stroker - a plumber from Oakland, had a court case he had to go to before they could take him off an offenders register.

With an online petition asking for a fuller climax to each episode and a more penetrating approach to getting deeper storylines the fans can simply hope the producers get a good grip and bring it off with a flourish.

(Roswell): In a statement that has shocked friends, family and fellow Conspiracy Theorists 38-Year-Old Corey Appleton stated today the death of prominent scientist Johan Johanssonsson was "just one of those things".

Appleton has previously been Chairperson of Skeptics Anonymous, Head of the Arkansas Landings Group and 12 time winner of the Hans Christian Anderson Fairy Tale award for his theories.

However when he was asked to explain Johanssonsson's death his response was anything but what his colleagues expected.

Johanssonsson was a member of the moon landings team, was stationed for 4 years in Area 51, was out shooting with his rifle in Dallas on the day JFK was assassinated and was last seen doing air traffic control on September 11th, 2001.

The scientist was reported dead yesterday from a reported stroke and, according to reports, Johanssonsson was picked up by a 'strange looking black ambulance' and his body appears to have gone missing with all hospitals denying ever taking him in.

"Be fair, with his history we thought Johanssonsson would be a prime contender for one of Corey's big stories," said friend Chuck "Chucky" Woodchuck.

"We couldn't believe it when Corey's answer was that he was obviously an old man and very sick.

"He said what a shame it was that a private ambulance service was called and a clerical mixup meant the body was misplaced in the unnamed hospital, who are too embarrassed to admit it was them."

Many ideas have been put forward by his peers in the conspiracy story world including brainwashing, cloning, bodysnatching and blackmail.

One colleague, however, is sure he has the answer to Appleton's sudden lack of interest in stories.

"It's a situation that's never arisen for any living conspiracy theorist," said Brad Clemson, Editor of 'It's All Lies'.

"He got laid."

(Tokyo): Japanese electronics firm Ellivbus have entered the market with a new gadget specially for shy, conversationally-challenged geeks.

"It's always surprising how the chattiest of people in instant messenger clam up totally in real life," said Ellivbus lead designer Teriaki Tanaka.

"Then one day, in MSN, I realised the difference, emoticons! How else were they to show their feelings?"

So Ellivbus, with Tanaka playing the lead role, invented the motemaker, a handheld device loaded with dozens of emoticons from various pieces of messenger software and online forums.

At the simple touch of a button the user can display any of these in a simple to read format on the screen that can be quickly and easily held up to the person being conversed with.

"We're hoping to add physical triggers to future versions of the motemaker that will be able to throw up the most likely mote desires needed with the users pulse, breathing and arousal level."

Level of interest in the Motemaker has grown considerably.

"I've never been able to talk to a human in person before," said 42 year old virgin Semi Ensemi.

"Now it's easy, I can even smile at people in the street! Until now I'd not known how to show my emotion in real life."

Unfortunately the Motemaster is already raising controversy after the first electro-flashing incident known around the world.

In Osaka 27-year-old Lee Ping Poll has been charged with Indecent electronic exposure after showing a 38-year-old neighbour an emoticon of an erect penis.

"We can't help the occasional misuse," argued Tanaka.

"We imagine people will use the same amount of decency and chastity that's shown in instant messages and in the multitude of online message boards.

"After all, nobody uses online chat methods for sex, do they?"

(Inveray): A Scottish region today began it's recognition drive as it attempts to make people aware of it's existence beyond an item of clothing.

"We're sick of it," exclaimed local councillor Bernard McMacMcmuck.

"We're determined to shout it to the rooftops, Argyll is an area, not a sock!"

The problems arose when a count was taken in a regional meeting in Inveray found on average each inhabitant of Argyll would be greeted with the joke "you live in a sock?" at least twice a day while passing their address over to people over the phone, even when calling on official business.

The most high profile section of the campaign is the song "We Are Not A Sock" by local chart topper Val Brigadoonican,

Brigadoonican, who's previous UK chart entry "Won't You Join Me In A Cardigan?" topped out at number 93, came onboard after a high profile meeting with a top council official.

"Och, I dinnae ken, I think tha spiked ma whiskey," he was heard to mutter after the mammoth 9 hour session in the local hostelry, The Thelma and Louise.

The song, and its most famous lyric, "call us a sock and ye'll get a Glasgae Kiss" is currently sitting at number one*.

*Chart information collated from Inveray Hospital Radio's Most Requested.

(California): There was a shock announcement in the world of online retailing today when eBay put eBay up for sale on eBay.

An official spokesperson for the company cited an increasing amount of timewasters along with a desire to try 'a new challenge' as the basis for the decision.

"You know what it's like, things start out fun but then people start using it for a joke and you start to think why you do it," said Colin Fapovich.

"Everyone needs a new challenge and now we'll be starting afresh with something new."

Item Specifics - Businesses for Sale

Business Type: Internet Businesses/ Websites
Sub-Type:--
Status: Active
Included in Sale: Small collection of PC World Magazine, 3 Tasmanian Devil mugs, 1 (one) Google Dartboard, Supplies
Profitability: Fair
Condition: Slightly used, mild damage

--Item Description on site

So far there have been no offers, despite a "Buy Now" price of £3.95. It's believed serious bidders are being put off by one factor.

"Let's be fair, 50% of the users are pillocks..." said Ernst Auktionator, a business analyst for Deutsche SellersHaus.

"There's entire sites dedicated to dumbass auctions, how can anyone take it seriously anymore?!"

The owners will now turn their attention to their new project eLay.

"We've spent years selling people's unwanted crap to other suckers who'll buy anything," said Fapovic.

"We thought, what else will computer geeks pay for...? That's when we thought of unwanted spouses.

"If you play your cards right it'll clear out a load of rubbish from your house too..."

Now eLay is doing sterling business and has spawned the new add-on payment system PorkPal and the photo hosting site Fluckher.