The entire British rail network ground to a halt today after it was discovered many routes were running with the wrong type of passenger.

"It seems to be an inherently British problem," admitted a spokesperson for RailTrack.

"Not only do the passengers expect the trains to be on time but when stopping at stations they can take anything up to 4 seconds to exit the train, wasting valuable time."

Many passengers, according to the report jointly produced by all the British rail companies, are also large and insist on bringing luggage, all of which brings the weight of the train up and causes delays.

"We've had reports of passengers bringing anything up to two suitcases," said the spokesperson.

"It ruins the carefully engineered drag coefficient..."

When challenged that they appeared to be reading words off a card and that things stored internally had no effect on aerodynamics the reply was unequivocal.

"Drag coefficient, drag coefficient, DRAG COEFFICIENT!"

The spokesperson then informed us it was "all your fault you public transport taking miscreants, you just don't understand science" and retired into the building.

Virgin Trains have already beaten the problem by creating the "Ultimate Virgin Train", which travels from Glasgow to Penzance but doesn't allow itself to be tainted by passengers.

"I think the Ultimate Virgin Train is a screaming success," said Virgin in a prepared statement.

"In it's first run it shaved whole minutes from the set time when we were inconvenienced by passengers.

"This is the future!"

(Plymouth): A seven year relationship was ended today after the couple, Frank Stellin, 26, and Carla Blintz, 25, discovered their incompatibility thanks to online personality tests.

"We'd always thought we were great together," said Stellin.

"We like the same music, the same movies, the same books, every moment with her felt like my life was complete.

"Obviously, as this important information shows, we were simply deluding ourselves..."

It was a simple piece of online fun that showed the cracks.

"We were inspiration free one night so decided to post some of those blogthings tests," said Blintz.

"As soon as I saw what type of underpant he was I knew things weren't as they seemed..."

The couple took numerous tests and each one was more distressing than the last.

Not only were they totally incompatible in the area of which underpant they were but they also seemed set to break up once they tested themselves for 'type of plant', 'type of livestock' and 'type of floor'.

"I thought we'd be together forever," said Stellin.

"But when I saw that I was a plaid Axminster and she was a faux-slate porcelain tile I knew we were doomed."

Although Stellin remains single Blintz has found a new boyfriend, 93-year-old Hubert Picklesworth.

"I admit I don't find Hubert attractive physically or mentally and we have totally different tastes in everything including him being a member of the BNP and me being black..." said Blintz.

"But we both did 'what type of disfiguring ailment are you' and we were both a malignant bout of facial pustules, then and there, it just felt right..."

(Brisbane): Easter Island today celebrated it's first ever Oceanic Cup victory and head coach Aled Bergsson hailed their defence for their cup winning exploits.

"I know the critics all lambast our back four for their lack of mobility," admitted Bergsson.

"But every single game they've been solid as a rock at the back, they're truly the immoveable object!"

Easter Island will now step up their World Cup campaign with a qualifier against Vanuatu if travel arrangements can be worked out and a large enough cargo plane hired.