(Bangalore): There was widespread joy in the scientific community today when a united research team comprising scientists from 42 different countries proved the overwhelming success of research.

"When it comes to proving things I don't think anything has the proven track record of research," said Professor Bernard Bernard, the Texan head of department.

"Research over the years has proven the unqualified importance of research in proving things."

Scientists the world over are already calling the 74.9 trillion pound project the most pivotal discovery in science in the last million years.

"We've always faced the problem of cynicism when it comes to research," admitted Dr Mervyn Ridge-Tumbling of Cambridge University.

"The public see millions and billions spent on research and question its validity.

"Well now we have the ultimate proof research is flawless thanks to this flawless research."

Professor Bernard is already raising trillions more in funds for his follow-up research paper "Follow-Up research, it's proven necessary".

The scientific community wait with bated breath.

(London): New Chelsea 'manager' Avram Grant today revealed his biggest dream was to become a real live boy.

It came at the end of his opening press conference, made sat on owner Roman Abramovich's knee, where he promised Andriy Shevchenko and Michael Ballack would be the new "Heart of the Team".

"They are by far the most important players here," said the Israeli, speaking in a surprising Russian accent.

"They will never be left out again, well, unless they become tired, bored, hungover or just fancy a shopping trip..."

Grant then revealed his dream, hoping one day a fairy will come and grant him his release and make him a real live boy.

"It's true I have no strings," admitted Grant.

"But in my heart I'm still the same puppet as before."

Journalists were then treated to Grant reciting the alphabet while Abramovich drank a glass of water.

(London): Various fast food manufacturers, TV stations and video game companies have begun their own ad campaigns to battle the new European Commission anti-obesity advert (for more click HERE).

The campaign gives the shocking message that going out and playing football is better for you than sitting in an armchair watching it.

"I think it's fair to say nobody would have thought of this before," said ad company spokesperson Statten McObvious.

"Research shows that most people thought sitting in a chair was healthier than exercise."

However, this view has angered many companies for whom a more sedentary lifestyle is favoured.

This has led to a number of fightback campaigns.

Head of these is the McDonalds' campaign "Kieron Dyer never broke a leg eating a Big Mac" which shows England star Dyer's recent injury, showing conclusively had he been eating a burger rather than playing football he would not have had his tibia and fibia snapped.

Various copycat ads have now been produced including ITV's "Watch the Champions League live with us, we won't break your nose with an elbow" and Sony's "PlayStation consoles, keeping your achillies tendons in one piece since 1995."

The most eye-catching ad so far is subscription satellite channel Playboy TV's slideshow of various groins left unstrained by watching their late night broadcasts.