(Lapland): With a face the same colour as his Coca Cola sponsored outfit, Father Christmas today announced the loss of various CD-ROM discs containing personal details.

"We believe the discs are still in the workshop," said the Less-Than-Jolly Fat Man.

"As we speak my elves are doing a detailed forensic examination of the area under the watchful eye of security head, Rudolph."

The discs contained names, addresses, contact details, desired presents and details of who is naughty or nice.

It's now believed they may have been posted out by accident in a pre-paid envelope that should have contained a credit card application.

"We understand the seriousness of the situation," said Mr Christmas. "We were given these details in good faith and had a duty to keep them safe."

Despite the loss Mr Christmas informed everyone who had applied for presents would recieve what had been asked for thanks to his dual backup system of memory and guessing.

"It's not a problem, it really isn't," he assured reporters.

"I'd better be off though, I have this 'Crochet-A-Duvet' set for Nick, 44, of London and this box set of 'Sweet Young Asses #1-6' on DVD for Nichola, 94, of London."

There are now worries that some of the naughty/nice details may have been leaked on the internet after Miss Crystal Spheres, 22, of Texas recieved 49,523 emails asking for a date.

(Heaven): God shocked much of the listenership to a celestial radio station today by admitting he doesn't believe in Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.

When asked in aquickfire Q&A session what he thought of the new leader of Britain's bridesmaid party he simply replied "no".

He later expounded on his theories in a newspaper interview with The Son.

"I have friends and family members who have faith in a Nick Clegg and I respect their beliefs"

In a survey of other deities most indicated a similar level of disbelief in Nick Clegg although Poseiden did admit to lusting after Anne Widdecombe.

(Buckfastleigh): The UN were stepping up peacekeeping forces in the Devon village of Buckfastleigh today as the long going conflict known locally as the Bumf War reached its 18th year of violence.

The battle, between the Betcher forces of number 12 and their cultural enemies, the Cartwrights of 19 Church Lane, is currently one of the longest running areas of ongoing engagement.

It began in 1989 when the Betchers moved their Christmas tree into the front window, openly flaunting their new flashing lights to the Cartwrights.

The following year the entire street were shocked by a pre-emptive assault in mid-November by the Cartwrights who bombarded the area with a full set of fairy lights surrounding each window of their faux victorian property.

From then things have only deteriorated despite the intervention of local forces and a national taksforce including UN peacekeepers, a NATO taskforce and Mrs Wilberforce from number 3 carrying trays of peace cookies shaped like deformed doves.

Although both sides come under the Geneva convention a shocking turn of events arrived in 2001 when conventional Christmas decorational weapons were ignored and animatronic displays were used by the Betchers with both a walking singing Santa Claus and a humourous reindeer head apparently housed in their garage.

Both displays are now visible up to 100 miles away and the area has been designated an area of extreme danger after a recent check by a team of UN decorations inspectors found that each display was being run from 43 four way adaptors plugged into a single socket.

"I wouldn't mind so much," said Mrs Wilberforce, 72. "But I know that 12 foot illuminated Easter Bunny the Cartwrights had this year is only going to cause trouble come April..."

(Lapland): A terse press release was dispatched from Lapland down the chimneys of every newspaper in the world explaining why Saint Nicholas Panatonio, who sometimes goes under the aliases of Santa Clause, Chris Cringle or Father Christmas, is now retreating from online social communities.

"It's always the same," explained the Lapland based ex-Greek. "I'm ignored for most of the year like some old unwanted relative, then come Christmas, everyone wants to be my friend..."

It's reported that Panatonio has collected just under 17 million friend requests on MySpace and has a record 9 billion "pokes" on social stalking site Facebook in the last seven days.

"It's a bit sickening really," said the less-than-jolly skinniness-deficient Saint.

"I keep getting messages that start off, 'Hi, I read your blog, I think you have interesting things to say'.

"It's never long though before it degrades to "I've been nice this year, can I have..."

The new, slightly grumpy Santa has caused ructions across the world including with main sponsors Coca Cola who have admitted they may be forced to pull away from a reported eight-figure deal before it runs out in 2014.

A spokesman cited the loss of revenue from disgruntled onliners being denied on the social safety net sites, something never seen before.

It may turn out ok for the big man though, as one of Coca Cola's main rivals are thinking of buying up the Claus name if Coke drop out.

"We're already getting some big blue suits made up," said Joseph Kackelavian, spokesperson for Pepsi.

"After all, with Britney Spears as the previous face of Pepsi we're used to people who get poked 9 billion times a week."

Panatonio was unavailable for comment on the suggested sponsorship switch and our reporter was chased off the grounds by a reindeer.