(London): ITV were today celebrating commissioning a brand new Reality TV show called 'Cut Out The Middleman' that promises to streamline the Reality TV genre.

The show will avoid the current short stop for entrants in either musical theatre, the world of pop or talkshows and move straight to the end product.

"It's making things a lot more simplistic," said ITV spokesperson Michael Paid.

"Right now entrants go through so many levels, the selection process, the show itself, the trauma of voting off or eviction, then another useless middle stage of some kind of fame before the final destination of panto star or Big Issue salesperson."

To successfully pass the audition process all entrants will need to show a complete lack of shame or self interest.

"Why make these poor people go through a pop career or some kind of West End show simply to fade into a more logical job," asked Paid.

"This way we 'Cut Out The Middleman' and they end up where we all know they will..."

There have already been thousands of entrants hoping to win Season One's big prize, the chance to present the Crochet Hour on QVC between 3 and 4am with a guaranteed spot in the Wilton on Tone village production of Peter Pan as second Pirate on the left.

(London): In a special report we here at the AJ News Network can exclusively reveal the behind the scenes conspiracy that has dogged the opening of Heathrow's new Terminal 5.

When opened T5 was seen as the latest expansion in a busy airport that would facilitate easy travel for thousands of British tourists.

However, shocking evidence has now come to light to suggest an ulterior motive.

The AJNN corporation have in their possession documents signed by many of the major European heads of state promising to subsidise Heathrow's expansion as long as it met "certain criteria".

These criteria, that included the proviso that the entire admin system would run on a Sinclair Spectrum 48K, were put together over the course of a few months by the European states and had to be put into practice with no argument or the money would not be forthcoming.

The committee have now agreed to go public on their reasons.

"It seemed the best way," said spokesperson Pierre Lapierre.

"This way none of the European countries have to deal with any British tourists this Summer."

Stating such reasons as drunken behaviour, the wearing of speedos and the insistence of tomato ketchup with every meal the new T5 was seen as the only way to prevent any British person from flying abroad.

"Seriously, it was no trouble at all to raise the money," said Lapierre.

"Once we realised just a few million pounds from each nation would stop us from ever having to see one more pasty white chav in burberry swimming shorts in our lovely countries again it all came together nicely.

"In fact we still have some left over, the committee are in talks as we speak with the Eurostar consortium about a new terminal at St Pancras..."