(Heaven): There was surprise and indignation around the world today when God admitted that the constant stream of sunshine on a Monday morning was a planned attempt at punishing mankind.

"Seriously, you guys just twist my beard the wrong way," said the deity when interviewed on God.TV.

"Wars, homophobia, abuse, a lack of caring for the environment... I gotta find SOME way to stop you people being so stupid."

For many years weather related punishments have been rife with wet bank holiday mondays widely seen as a sign of God's displeasure at the continued popularity of The Krankies.

Now this new scheme looks so effective it will become a year-long scheme with days specially made longer during Winter just to torment people with bright sunny Mondays.

However, the news wasn't all bad.

"I've given you guys a break with no rain through Wimbledon," admitted God.

"But that's largely because I can't stand the thought of Cliff Richard singing again either..."

(London): Ministerial spokesperson Malcolm DeConnerie today told reporters that the Government were highly apologetic after a member of the public discovered the Minister for Barking the Rt Hon Margaret Hodge MBE left on the 12.15 London to Liverpool train.

Hodge, Minister of State at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, appears to have been mislaid by a lesser member of the civil service who had been taking her to a conference in Winchester.

The minister was discovered by Mr John Pratt of Liverpool who handed the mislaid lady to the News Of The World for safekeeping.

"I couldn't believe it," said Mr Pratt. "I sat down and nudged something with my foot, I was expecting a used beer can, not an information laden Sexagenarian that any terrorist could have read."

The News of the World handed the minister over to a government courier with assurances she hadn't been read by Mr Pratt or themselves.

DeConnerie read a statement out during the press conference: "We are extremely concerned about what has happened and we will be taking steps to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future.

"From now on all ministers will have to be signed for when removed from the premises and will be tagged with a GPS tracking device."

The discovery came only days after Secretary of State for Innovation, Universities and Skills John Denham was found abandoned on a roundabout in Devon.