(Washington DC): The truth behind Dick Cheney's appearance at Barack Obama's inaugeration ceremony has been released by insiders today after original claims suggested he was wheelchair-bound after injuring himself "packing his boxes" with too much enthusiasm.
An official report has now clarified that the ex-Vice President was, in fact, in two altercations with the White House marines.
The first came when Cheney was discovered in the basements of the White House planting what one onlooker described as an "egg sac".
The twelve-hundred eggs each contained a short, balding demonic foetus branded with the number 666, Cheney's extension on the White House internal dialling system.
In the resulting battle Cheney reportedly projectile spat bile at the marines before escaping into the air conditioning.
He was discovered by a larger group of searching marines in his office, attempting to build a nest from a number of top secret documents and his own bodily excretions.
Although one marine suffered a broken arm when dodging the man-sized safe Cheney threw at them the squad managed to subdue the former VP with the minimum of fuss, finally chaining him into a wheelchair under a cocktail of sedatives to keep him quiet during the ceremony.
Cheney was then escorted to a black limo to be taken away to the Mrs Maggle Home for Retired Despots where he will be kept in an identical replica to his Vice-Presidential Office under the belief the country changed their minds and let him stay on, a plan the new government think is safest for us all.
It is believed within 10 minutes of arriving Cheney used the unwired phone in the office to call for a number of airstrikes on Narnia, apparently worried about their potential for weapons of mass destruction.
The egg sac was humanely destroyed by holy water.