(Manchester): A group of musical enthusiasts have got together to form a new legal company who will specialise in all aspects of musical crime, from plagiarism to over-depressing song lyrics and, their most lucrative market, X-Factor.

"We're really hoping to cash in on X-Factor," admitted the Managing Director of iandurylawyers4u, Bob Marley (formerly known as Christopher Brambles).

"Surely there's enough musical crime there to keep four companies like us going."

As it stands the company have two successful cases under their belt. The first was a man from Merthyr Tydfil who successfully sued Barry White's estate after he spent £47 on albums from the star and yet still failed to achieve intercourse with any girlfriend he played them to.

The other was a much-publicised case of Entire World vs Duff where Hilary Duff was successfully sued by approximately 6.791 billion people over her cover version of "My Generation" by The Who.

Despite this, the company are having to fight off a number of legal challenges based around their apparent lack of knowledge about the law.

"It's annoying," said Marley. "Thankfully we've hired some lawyers in to look at the problem but we don't envisage any issues."

The company's Mission Statement is inspired by the Ian Dury and the Blockheads song, What A Waste.

"That song spoke to us, in it Dury sings 'I could be a lawyer with strategems and ruses'," explained Marley.

"We looked around and realised that despite having no legal training we have many strategems and ruses, we're all dedicated players of Dungeons & Dragons and I myself am a level 324 Imperial Mage with a fully upgraded wisdom stat.

"It's certainly better than being a chartered accountant."

Their adverts state "Ian Dury is a word meaning when you get hurt by someone or something and it wasn't your fault." and their current tag line is "No Lose, No Fee!".

When it was pointed out to them this was different to most other personal injury companies they were quick to put journalists right.

"We did explore the No Win, No Fee suggestion," admitted Marley. "But we found out it wasn't really a reliable business model, this way works much better."

(Washington): There was some shock felt in America today as Barack Obama added to his already bulging trophy cabinet with three new awards.

Obama was today named Hirsute Magazine's Beard Wearer of the Year, NME Magazine's International Album of the Year Artist and Time Magazine's Woman of the Year.

When asked about the first award Mr Archibald Sideboards, Editor of Hirsute Magazine admitted the constant clean shaven face of the president was a concern but the award was given in recognition of many excellent facial topiaries to come.

"He may not be wearing one right now and that's a problem," admitted Mr Sideboards.

"But just look at the man, he would obviously suit any number of facial furniture and we have no doubt soon in the future we shall see the President of the United States in a perfect Van Dyke."

More perplexing was perhaps Time's award for the 44th President.

"It's fair to say that Barack Obama may be described as vaginally challenged, possibly even over-penised for this award," said Richard Stengel, Managing Editor of Time.

"Having said that we can see the inner woman on Obama..."

Stengel then looked slightly strained and confused and left the podium.

Things may calm down for Obama until next week when he is expected to be named Banana Eater of the Century, English Poet Laureate and the Belgian Entry for the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest.

(Bromsgrove): Popular feline imagery hosting site icanhazcheeseburger.com is facing up to a massive payout after being found guilty of a number of charges including libel, defamation of character and copyright infringement.

This comes after a huge class action suit was brought against them by over 10'000 cats, featured on their site without permission.

"It's a terrible thing about the internet that anyone can use your image without seeming to care about the law," explained Head Lawyer Seamus O'Gingertom of the legal firm Catsington, O'Gingertom and Tiddles.

"We're determined to change this opinion by badly damaging this site in their wallet and showing the online world that you'll no longer be allowed to use and abuse photographs for amusement."

The prosecution are basing their case around the majority of images on the "LolCat" site that portrays innocent cats as stupid, grammatically incorrect and often obsessed by food.

"I studied four years of English at Oxford and I was pictured apparently saying 'ur pet dor haz a numbr of teknikal defishunsees wich u needz ta adrezz'" complained one cat known only as Witness C.

"The insult that I can't spell, let alone parse a sentence successfully is simply disgusting. One of my friends found the picture, tagged me in it on Facebook and then that, in turn, was found by a prospective employer.

"I lost a potential job as the head of Literacy at Yale because of that."

They also pointed out that the majority of these photos even showed their clients naked, sometimes in compromising positions.

Despite a passionate defence the website was found guilty of all charges. Sentencing will follow soon but a pre-emptive figure has been suggested of 300'000 cans of Whiskas, a selection of catnip toys shaped like fish and a 10 minute community service belly scratch this coming Tuesday.

"I will tell you this," said O'Gingertom to the press after the hearing.

"The owners of this site will no longer be Lol-ing."