http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/en-EUhttp://backend.userland.com/rss092http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/4b/241f541d46d1d50cb9037c5a26042a_160x200.jpg <p>(Manchester): A group of musical enthusiasts have got together to form a new legal company who will specialise in all aspects of musical crime, from plagiarism to over-depressing song lyrics and, their most lucrative market, X-Factor.</p> <p>"We're really hoping to cash in on X-Factor," admitted the Managing Director of iandurylawyers4u, Bob Marley (formerly known as Christopher Brambles).</p> <p>"Surely there's enough musical crime there to keep four companies like us going."</p> <img src="http://galleries.devon-photography.co.uk/photos/685646240_oRCwP-O.jpg" alt="" title=""> <p>As it stands the company have two successful cases under their belt. The first was a man from Merthyr Tydfil who successfully sued Barry White's estate after he spent £47 on albums from the star and yet still failed to achieve intercourse with any girlfriend he played them to.</p> <p>The other was a much-publicised case of Entire World vs Duff where Hilary Duff was successfully sued by approximately 6.791 billion people over her cover version of "My Generation" by The Who.</p> <p>Despite this, the company are having to fight off a number of legal challenges based around their apparent lack of knowledge about the law.</p> <p>"It's annoying," said Marley. "Thankfully we've hired some lawyers in to look at the problem but we don't envisage any issues."</p> <p>The company's Mission Statement is inspired by the Ian Dury and the Blockheads song, What A Waste.</p> <p>"That song spoke to us, in it Dury sings 'I could be a lawyer with strategems and ruses'," explained Marley.</p> <p>"We looked around and realised that despite having no legal training we have many strategems and ruses, we're all dedicated players of Dungeons & Dragons and I myself am a level 324 Imperial Mage with a fully upgraded wisdom stat.</p> <p>"It's certainly better than being a chartered accountant."</p> <p>Their adverts state "Ian Dury is a word meaning when you get hurt by someone or something and it wasn't <strong>your fault</strong>." and their current tag line is "No Lose, No Fee!". </p> <p>When it was pointed out to them this was different to most other personal injury companies they were quick to put journalists right.</p> <p>"We did explore the No Win, No Fee suggestion," admitted Marley. "But we found out it wasn't really a reliable business model, this way works much better." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/19/new-lawyers-tackle-musical-crime-7199622/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/19/new-lawyers-tackle-musical-crime-7199622/Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:46:36 +0200 <p>(Washington): There was some shock felt in America today as Barack Obama added to his already bulging trophy cabinet with three new awards.</p> <p>Obama was today named Hirsute Magazine's Beard Wearer of the Year, NME Magazine's International Album of the Year Artist and Time Magazine's Woman of the Year.</p> <p>When asked about the first award Mr Archibald Sideboards, Editor of Hirsute Magazine admitted the constant clean shaven face of the president was a concern but the award was given in recognition of many excellent facial topiaries to come.</p> <p>"He may not be wearing one right now and that's a problem," admitted Mr Sideboards.</p> <p>"But just look at the man, he would obviously suit any number of facial furniture and we have no doubt soon in the future we shall see the President of the United States in a perfect Van Dyke."</p> <p>More perplexing was perhaps Time's award for the 44th President.</p> <p>"It's fair to say that Barack Obama may be described as vaginally challenged, possibly even over-penised for this award," said Richard Stengel, Managing Editor of Time.</p> <p>"Having said that we can see the <em>inner</em> woman on Obama..."</p> <p>Stengel then looked slightly strained and confused and left the podium.</p> <p>Things may calm down for Obama until next week when he is expected to be named Banana Eater of the Century, English Poet Laureate and the Belgian Entry for the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/10/barack-obama-wins-surprise-award-7139438/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/10/barack-obama-wins-surprise-award-7139438/Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:59:56 +0200 <p>(Bromsgrove): Popular feline imagery hosting site <a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/"><strong>icanhazcheeseburger.com</strong></a> is facing up to a massive payout after being found guilty of a number of charges including libel, defamation of character and copyright infringement.</p> <p>This comes after a huge class action suit was brought against them by over 10'000 cats, featured on their site without permission.</p> <p>"It's a terrible thing about the internet that anyone can use your image without seeming to care about the law," explained Head Lawyer Seamus O'Gingertom of the legal firm Catsington, O'Gingertom and Tiddles.</p> <p>"We're determined to change this opinion by badly damaging this site in their wallet and showing the online world that you'll no longer be allowed to use and abuse photographs for amusement."</p> <p>The prosecution are basing their case around the majority of images on the "LolCat" site that portrays innocent cats as stupid, grammatically incorrect and often obsessed by food.</p> <p>"I studied four years of English at Oxford and I was pictured apparently saying 'ur pet dor haz a numbr of teknikal defishunsees wich u needz ta adrezz'" complained one cat known only as Witness C.</p> <p>"The insult that I can't spell, let alone parse a sentence successfully is simply disgusting. One of my friends found the picture, tagged me in it on Facebook and then that, in turn, was found by a prospective employer.</p> <p>"I lost a potential job as the head of Literacy at Yale because of that."</p> <p>They also pointed out that the majority of these photos even showed their clients naked, sometimes in compromising positions.</p> <p>Despite a passionate defence the website was found guilty of all charges. Sentencing will follow soon but a pre-emptive figure has been suggested of 300'000 cans of Whiskas, a selection of catnip toys shaped like fish and a 10 minute community service belly scratch this coming Tuesday.</p> <p>"I will tell you this," said O'Gingertom to the press after the hearing.</p> <p>"The owners of this site will no longer be Lol-ing." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/01/mass-class-action-suit-hits-website-7078038/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/10/01/mass-class-action-suit-hits-website-7078038/Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:42:40 +0200 <p>(London): There was shock in political circles today after The Sun, long time supporter of the Labour Party changed it's allegiance to the Conservatives, severing all ties with Gordon Brown.</p> <p>As part of its decision to break with Brown it has agreed to no longer shine on a Brown-led Britain plunging much of the country into perpetual darkness and leading to fears other celestial bodies may follow suit.</p> <p>"As it stands we're waiting to see what happens," said The North Star. "If there is a consensus I think for the best of the country of Britain I will also stop shining over it."</p> <p>In response the Labour Party released the following statement.</p> <p>"Prime Minister Brown believes in Change and sees this as a potentially positive outcome. The Sun has been shining now for many millions, even billions of years. In that time there have been many disasters, crisis points and genocides.</p> <p>"Considering all these bad things that have happened while being lit by The Sun perhaps it is time for a Change. Can we find an alternative source of heat and light? Yes We Can!"</p> <p>Fellow God-owned entity The Moon was seen last night, despite Brown's fairly inadequate showing at the Labour Conference but has made no promises to be available for gazing at in the night sky from Wednesday evening.</p> <p>Complaints and calls for a General Election to solve the constant night have been steady but relentless, except in Manchester where no-one has appeared to notice. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/09/30/the-sun-removes-brown-support-7069167/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/09/30/the-sun-removes-brown-support-7069167/Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:30:50 +0200 <p>(London): It was revealed today that the retirement of Arsenal's head hypnotist is causing problems in Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger's tactical planning for games.</p> <p>Hypnotist Paul Stephens has worked with Arsenal for many years and has been credited with many breakthroughs including convincing Patrick Viera every opposition player was Monsieur Broulard, his much hated maths teacher, prompting his uncontrolled violence.</p> <p>However, Stephens retired at the end of the 2008/09 season and now Arsenal are suffering after the new squad hypnotist has been unable to remove or adapt Stephens' most successful work, his selective blindness hypnosis of manager Arsene Wenger.</p> <p>Since his very first season in charge Wenger has used Stephens to hypnotise him pre-season so that during games he is incapable of seeing any Arsenal players on the pitch, thereby assisting in his denials of indiscretions in post match interviews.</p> <p>The resounding success of this scheme has meant Wenger is now coming off his 12th year running winning the Brian Clough Memorial Denial Award, gifted to the manager who, during the season, misses the most fouls and ungentlemanly conduct by his own players.</p> <p>Now, however, without a changing of Stephens' work last season, Wenger is still blind to any player who left Arsenal in the 2009 pre-season.</p> <p>This was most pronounced during yesterday's game against Manchester City when confusion was seen repeatedly on Arsenal's bench.</p> <p>"It was a nightmare from start to finish," admitted assistant manager, Pat Rice.</p> <p>"We kept trying to tell him to mark Adebayor, press him tightly, do anything to stop him... and all he would say was he would if Adebayor was brought on.</p> <p>"With (Kolo) Toure playing as well he couldn't understand why so many balls were being stopped around their box, he kept blaming divots and wind flow patterns..."</p> <p>The Arsenal players came out for the second half noticeably confused after Wenger's half time comment telling them "this'll be easy, I can't understand why they've started the game with nine men" and were increasingly bemused after his post match berating of Emmanuel Eboue who he blamed as the scorer of Adebayor's goal.</p> <p>"Obviously Arsene figured it was an own goal," said Rice. "Eboue was the most obvious candidate then."</p> <p>There was one plus point to come from the confusion however, as his blindness allowed him to ignore an alleged stamp by Adebayor on Robin Van Persie which led him to be the first manager in the history of the Premier League to use the phrase "I didn't really see what happened" for the one-millionth time in a post match press conference.</p> <p>To commemorate this Wenger was thrown a small party and presented a gold carriage clock that automatically adds 6 minutes to every 90 minutes counted and a cake in the shape of a pair of glasses.</p> <p>There was a moment of sadness however when he looked around the room full of respectful Arsenal players, exclaimed he couldn't believe he'd been left alone at a time like this and began to weep. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/09/13/sportsdesk-retired-hypnotist-troubles-wenger-6952408/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/09/13/sportsdesk-retired-hypnotist-troubles-wenger-6952408/Sun, 13 Sep 2009 10:01:38 +0200 <p>(Westminster): Gordon Brown has moved to reinforce the Labour Party as the moralistic voice of the country by saying he will stand up and "solve the problems the Labour Party have created" before he leaves.</p> <p>In answer to Conservative calls for a General Election Brown replied indignantly.</p> <p>"I refuse to leave a job half done and feel that the British Public don't want to see politicians as quitters. We still have corrupt MPs, a floundering country, out of date infrastructure, a dead economy and an overbudget Olympics we can't really pay for any more... How would I look if I walked away from these issues and left them for someone else to clear up?</p> <p>"Therefore I have edited the country's election rules and will do the honourable thing, refuse to stand down until I have fixed the messes I have made, my concience will allow no less."</p> <p>Although this stance has led many political commentators to say Brown is facing things like a man and doing the honourable thing, some have questioned the timeframe put forward by the Prime Minister.</p> <p>"Having spoken to many learned colleagues I have worked out that we should have the problems fixed, along with any new problems we create, by around 2025," said Brown.</p> <p>"Therefore I shall do as the Conservatives wish and decide upon the 22nd of July 2025 for our next General Election.</p> <p>"Should we still have problems to fix however I reserve the right to delay that decision and stay in power for as long as it takes to fix them."</p> <p>Brown's decision has been called "very good" by his Great Aunt Phyllis who told the press he'd always been a boy to clean up his own messes and it was right he was allowed to finish the job.</p> <p>Opposition leader David Cameron admitted to some reservations about the plan, largely surrounding the 16 year gap to the next election and Brown's plan to have the title "Prime Minister" changed to "Oh Exalted and Immortally Ruling One".</p> <p>The debate continues. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/05/28/brown-says-he-won-t-leave-a-job-half-done-6192881/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/05/28/brown-says-he-won-t-leave-a-job-half-done-6192881/Thu, 28 May 2009 15:54:29 +0200 <p>(Birmingham): Thousands of fans have tuned in to a YouTube video featuring a new surprise singing sensation who appeared in an audition of Britain's Got Talent.</p> <p>"She was amazing," said judge Amanda Holden. "As she was an older lady we, and the audience, fully expected some kind of screeching cacophony but it appears, despite her age, that she can actually produce correct notes."</p> <p>Fellow judge Simon Cowell, who had only previously seen her perform in three previous auditions, a demo tape, two internet videos and a live performance at his 60th birthday party, admitted he was "totally shocked and surprised".</p> <p>The revelation has shaken the music world who have, up to now, proscribed to the theory that at around 30 a woman's voice box contracts and no longer allows any kind of musical projection.</p> <p>"We're having to rethink our whole belief about music," exclaimed Prof. Bartholemew Klumpenhausen of the Bognor Regis laboratory of mis-applied science.</p> <p>"We've long held the belief older women, especially if they are photogenically challenged, are completely incapable of singing.</p> <p>"This was based on an intensive sample of a selection of thirteen year old girls. In tests all four of them preferred Britney Spears over Dame Kiri Te Kanawa."</p> <p>The singer, 72 year old Shirley Bassey from Tiger Bay, Cardiff, admitted she has sung before but a poll of Britain's Got Talent viewers found none of them had heard of her, although one did ask if she once toured with Lady GaGa.</p> <p>For the video, taken from the last episode of Britain's Got Talent click <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3KdY_rm1SE"><strong>HERE</strong></a>. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/20/older-singing-sensation-wows-reality-tv-5977920/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/20/older-singing-sensation-wows-reality-tv-5977920/Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:28:59 +0200 <p>(London): In response to the revelations about Labour's smear emails the Tories have opened files of their own secret email conversations that they say prove what wonderful people they really are.</p> <p>"It's despicable that the Labour Party are besmirching our good name in this way," Said Tory spokesperson Jesus Angelicus.</p> <p>"This is especially hurtful as we were currently secretly releasing what we call our 'shine campaign' emails to the new WhiteFlag blog..."</p> <p>The Tory emails describe Alistair Darling as 'A top bloke with great financial sense', Gordon Brown's marriage as 'a moralistic coupling that's an inspiration to the whole country' and Jacquie Smith's recent new haircut as 'simply fabulous and it takes 10 years from her'.</p> <p>These conversations have been described by the Conservatives as proof that they, rather than the Labour Party, should be in charge.</p> <p>"As much as we think the whole of Labour are lovely people," said Angelicus. "we really would quite like a chance to be in charge as we are ever so nice."</p> <p>The spokesman then gave all the reporters a bun and a pamphlet for the new Conservative Party, "the only choice for any pleasant people in the country." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/12/tories-reveal-shine-campaign-5930003/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/12/tories-reveal-shine-campaign-5930003/Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:34:44 +0200 <p>(Sepang): The Malasian Grand Prix finished with a surprise victory for a British competitor today.</p> <p>Despite starting slowly it was a late burst that finally won the full points for Dame Ellen MacArthur in her B&Q sponsored Formula One boat.</p> <img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/183/3382183_1eda68ca38_s.jpeg" alt="6a00d83451945169e200e54f3495338833-500wi" vspace="5" hspace="5"> MacArthur's boat on the main straight. <p>Early laps were slow leaving MacArthur running 27 laps behind after 31, but a late surge thanks to a helpful change in the weather brought the plucky Brit the top step of the podium.</p> <p>"We knew we had a chance once the clouds came in," admitted the sailing Dame.</p> <p>"It was slow going to begin with but we knew we were going to pick up time later on. We trusted that the teams would all make the wrong vehicle decision..."</p> <p>MacArthur was proven right around the 28th lap when all the other teams kept with their original strategy of using cars.</p> <p>"We just made the right choice for the race," said MacArthur's engineer, Murray Stroller. "The other teams were all staying with wheels but we knew our strategy would come good in the end."</p> <p>The victory lifts MacArthur up to first place in the drivers table of the new Formula One Motor Racing and Aquaplaning Championships. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/05/brit-wins-surprise-malaysian-grand-prix-5893333/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/05/brit-wins-surprise-malaysian-grand-prix-5893333/Sun, 05 Apr 2009 12:32:49 +0200 <p>(London): In the latest in a long line of cost cutting measures has seen ITV secretly replace David Pleat with a low cost computer simulation, a ploy undetected until being discovered by an intrepid AJNN reporter.</p> <p>It can now be revealed that for the last three live matches on ITV the summarising, believed by viewers to be ex-manager Pleat, was actually done by the Clichetron 4000, a new artificial intelligence machine designed to provide expert cliches at opportune moments.</p> <p>With almost 20 summarising phrases such as "they need to score", "one goal is never enough" and "they're passing the ball around" the machine is indistinguishable from Pleat in active service.</p> <p>ITV have been so pleased with the machine they've already pre-ordered the new "post match 1.4" module, to be released later in the year, to replace Andy Townsend.</p> <p>The add-on will have a collection of excuses, using ITV's touch screen technology, for almost every England failure.</p> <p>There are also high hopes for the 1.5 module, planned for the beginning of next year, which may finally be able to answer the question "Ashley Cole, why?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/itv-replace-david-pleat-5874494/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/itv-replace-david-pleat-5874494/Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:46:14 +0200 <p>(London): The Labour party were hoping that Prime Minister Gordon Brown's latest revelation on his forefathers will breathe new life into the party.</p> <p>After a long meeting with Barack Obama before the G20 summit in London Brown has revealed a swathe of new policies and moves for the Labour Party.</p> <p>First he shared with the nation's newspapers the new slogan of the Labour party, "Yes I Think We Can" and said it was just part of their new "Change and Hope" initiative.</p> <p>He also called for a more religious country, but one that would hold an open hand out to all different countries and beliefs.</p> <p>He then retired for 2 hours before returning to give the auditorium it's biggest story of the day.</p> <p>Now carrying a name badge for Gordack Hussein Brownama and with a face looking suspiciously the same colour as his newly polished shoes the Prime Minister admitted that he had been lying all along about his family history.</p> <p>Rather than being Scottish, Brown admitted his father was actually Kenyan and that he himself was born and raised in Hawaii.</p> <p>Finally he spoke out against his two main rivals, describing them as "a powerful female" and "an experienced old war veteran."</p> <p>The offices of both David Cameron and Nick Clegg have released press statements claiming to be the old one. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/labour-face-changes-5868413/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/labour-face-changes-5868413/Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:18:47 +0200 <p>(Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch): There was amazement across the blogging world recently when ManiaSeeds, a male of indeterminate years, broke the all time record for winning blog-held debates.</p> <p>ManiaSeeds, real name Tam Jones, has written to the Guinness Book of Records saying that by his count he has now won the last 4,811,003 debates he's taken part in across the blogosphere with what he describes as "superior intellect".</p> <p>Many detractors have pointed to ManiaSeeds argumentative tactics as unfair and, as such, means for disqualification.</p> <p>"Hah, that's just jealousy and inferior intellect," blustered the blogger who posts on the site "http://im-right-youre-wrong.blog.co.uk.</p> <p>"If they can't handle mid-debate topic changes, groundless accusations and steadfast stubbornness they have no place in the world of blogging!"</p> <p>ManiaSeeds is adamant his tactics amount to nothing more than Alex Ferguson style "mind games" designed inside the rules to disorientate his opponents.</p> <p>One such victim bleats a different tale...</p> <p>"We were debating the placement of wind turbines in the North Sea," whined one unnamed loser to the debating king.</p> <p>"Suddenly in comes this guy and starts talking about the way that you can't get a good Cheddar anymore...</p> <p>"We tried pointing out we were discussing wind turbines but he accused us of being cheesists who prefered a nancy-boy French softie, said our attitude was impolite and declared himself the winner..."</p> <p>Despite the occasional voice of disquiet MediaSeeds is still sure of his status among other bloggers.</p> <p>"I've heard jokes about how letting me win just shuts me up but it's all in jest," boomed the Duke of Debate.</p> <p>"More than one person has said it's just not worth trying to debate with me, and I'm sure they meant because I'd win..."</p> <p>MediaSeeds' award ceremony was held in Cardiff at the weekend and was attended by a representative from the Guinness Book of Records, MediaSeeds and an untidy homeless man who'd been promised sandwiches for attending.</p> <p>The sandwiches were ham. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/blogger-accomplishes-new-record-5466666/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/blogger-accomplishes-new-record-5466666/Thu, 29 Jan 2009 01:08:12 +0100 <p>(Washington DC): The truth behind Dick Cheney's appearance at Barack Obama's inaugeration ceremony has been released by insiders today after original claims suggested he was wheelchair-bound after injuring himself "packing his boxes" with too much enthusiasm.</p> <p>An official report has now clarified that the ex-Vice President was, in fact, in two altercations with the White House marines.</p> <p>The first came when Cheney was discovered in the basements of the White House planting what one onlooker described as an "egg sac".</p> <p>The twelve-hundred eggs each contained a short, balding demonic foetus branded with the number 666, Cheney's extension on the White House internal dialling system.</p> <p>In the resulting battle Cheney reportedly projectile spat bile at the marines before escaping into the air conditioning.</p> <p>He was discovered by a larger group of searching marines in his office, attempting to build a nest from a number of top secret documents and his own bodily excretions.</p> <p>Although one marine suffered a broken arm when dodging the man-sized safe Cheney threw at them the squad managed to subdue the former VP with the minimum of fuss, finally chaining him into a wheelchair under a cocktail of sedatives to keep him quiet during the ceremony.</p> <p>Cheney was then escorted to a black limo to be taken away to the Mrs Maggle Home for Retired Despots where he will be kept in an identical replica to his Vice-Presidential Office under the belief the country changed their minds and let him stay on, a plan the new government think is safest for us all.</p> <p>It is believed within 10 minutes of arriving Cheney used the unwired phone in the office to call for a number of airstrikes on Narnia, apparently worried about their potential for weapons of mass destruction.</p> <p>The egg sac was humanely destroyed by holy water. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/01/20/cheney-s-injury-marine-related-5413684/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2009/01/20/cheney-s-injury-marine-related-5413684/Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:44:27 +0100 <p>(Birmingham): Advertising executives at the prestigious McSmith McJones McSingh Advertising Company were today hanging another certificate on the wall as the company brought home the biggest award at the industries top ceremony, the Jammies.</p> <p>This is the fifth year in succession the company has won the "Durrrr" award, given out every year for the advert deemed the most uninformative.</p> <p>"We have to show that we are above the philistine peons who watch TV," said Jock McSingh, partner at the firm.</p> <p>"We bring art and craft to advertising, there's no point just telling someone how good a product is, that doesn't show off how clever we are..."</p> <p>The winning campaign was McSmith McJones McSingh's design for the Plasterati Testurassa supercar from Italy.</p> <p>Eschewing any thoughts of showing the beautiful and powerful car the executives instead went with a groundbreaking advert that critics say "redefined the advertising genre".</p> <p>For 30 seconds viewers watch a small purple chimpanzee throw a banana in the air and catch it, all the time singing "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta, the Pirates of Penzance.</p> <p>Although there is no mention of the car, it's manufacturer or it's eventual use, the executives say it "portrayed the feeling of someone owning a Plasterati Testurassa".</p> <p>The advert came close to winning a second award for "most gratuitous use of a show tune" but that award went to the LSD Advertising Corporation.</p> <p>Their winning entry was the much heralded advert featuring 42 mechanics singing "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof to sell Vagineeze, the anti-thrush cream. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/advertising-company-celebrates-5th-straight-win-5050361/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/advertising-company-celebrates-5th-straight-win-5050361/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:53:36 +0100 <p>(London): While ordinary people are hitting the headlines with tales of credit crunch woe, the forgotten few are left in a much worse state.</p> <p>Headlines are full of Eric the plasterer or Maureen the school dinner lady... but a new support group has been set up to remind us of another band of hurt and impoverished people... the Celebrity.</p> <p>The new charity call themselves Loyal Luvvies With Nothing To Show, or LLWNTS, and are dedicated to bringing to the wider audience the troubles facing celebrities today.</p> <p>"Look at the new series of I'm a Celebrity," said party spokesperson, Donny Osmond.</p> <p>"One of the contestants is only picking up £7,500 for their two week stint, even the highest earners are on a paltry £30,000."</p> <p>The charity's poster girl is going to be long time campaigner for debt, Carol Vorderman, asked to take a 90% pay cut and subsequently removed from Countdown.</p> <p>Vorderman, now down to her last few million, has had to take to the streets to fund her insatiable Pot Noodle habit, doing simple arithmetic tricks for spare change.</p> <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/365/2986365_0c13e3d3c8_m.jpeg" alt="vorderman" vspace="5" hspace="5"></p> <p>The message from the group is clear.</p> <p>"Send us your money," said Osmond. "Otherwise people like me won't be able to afford another solid gold statue of myself, I only have 12 left."</p> <p>Truly, a sad, sad indictment of the credit crunch world we live in. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/the-credit-crunch-victims-we-forget-5034180/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/11/14/the-credit-crunch-victims-we-forget-5034180/Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:48:52 +0100 <p>(Barnsley): The world economical markets were stabilising today after a revolutionary scheme by a local bank teller turned the credit crunch around.</p> <p>Wilfred Trundle, a 42-year-old employee from the Cemetery Road branch of Lloyds Bank in Barnsley, thought up his inventive scheme while working on a quiet Thursday afternoon.</p> <p>"So, there I was behind the counter and it came to me like an epiphany," said the unmarried stamp collector.</p> <p>"The world's issues are all down to not having enough money... so why not make some more, it's only ink and paper after all?"</p> <p>After a little work in Photoshop Trundle printed 4.7 billion pounds on his Hewlett Packard deskjet and brought it in to see his appreciative bosses.</p> <p>"We couldn't believe none of us had thought of it before," said Bank Director Brian Tamland.</p> <p>"When Wilfred gave us his PDF we all went home and printed off 12 gazillion pounds, our bank was secure and when we went on a bit of a spending spree it rescued everyone else too!"</p> <p>There was a deep sense of embarrassment around the world's markets when the plan came to light with numerous banking and stock market officials showing shame that they hadn't thought up the "Trundle Perogative" before now.</p> <p>"The man is a genius," said 64 year-old Ernst Hepplemeyer, a banker with the Royal Bank of Scotland.</p> <p>"Now we're all printing our own money so many problems have been solved... after being single for 40 years I only have another trillion to print and I'll have enough money to date Heather Mills."</p> <p>Tune in tomorrow as we'll be taking you through all the steps to printing your own money, ONLY on tomorrows AJNN. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/10/09/bank-teller-solves-credit-crisis-4847456/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/10/09/bank-teller-solves-credit-crisis-4847456/Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:37:49 +0200 <p>(London): What onlookers are describing as "A shocking portent of Armageddon" has prompted scientific, political and religious minds all over the country of England to suggest we may be seeing the end of civilisation as we know it.</p> <p>The drama began at 0824 on the morning of Saturday the 19th of July when Mr Bertram Coppleton of Many-Winding-On-The-Wold, Dorset exited his front door and was taken aback by a bizarre collection of natural phenomena, the like of which hasn't been seen since records began.</p> <p>"I just went out to get the milk, my usual Saturday morning routine," said Mr Coppleton, 42, who runs the Ladies Beard Waxing Parlour in the village.</p> <p>"There, staring at me was the most shocking sight I'd ever seen, something I'd have to attribute to the work of Beelzebub himself."</p> <p>Mr Coppleton conacted the police who, equally baffled, brought in some of the finest minds in the country today.</p> <p>Despite spending hours exploring the signs a conclusion has yet to be arrived at, although the man put in charge of the think-tank, Dr Jeremy Dullswick, a Professor of Cheese at Norfolk University, has been left in no doubt of what he believes is Götterdämmerung. </p> <p>"We really can't find any logical reason for these unique happenings except as portents of the end," admitted Dr Dullswick.</p> <p>"A flaming ball of gas in a blue sky and a light much brighter than normally seen in this country, it's shockingly unscientific..."</p> <p>The confusion has simply been added to after the group contacted a brains trust in the South of France who seemed extraordinarily disinterested by the findings.</p> <p>"We were taken aback," said a taken aback Dr Dullswick.</p> <p>"It was like they see this kind of thing all the time..."</p> <p>Experiments are continuing. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/english-brains-predict-end-of-days-for-m-4468487/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/english-brains-predict-end-of-days-for-m-4468487/Sat, 19 Jul 2008 11:37:54 +0200 <p>(Wimbledon, London): The Lawn Tennis Association today revealed their entry qualifications for next year's tournament with a Wimbledon official promising it will help make Wimbledon 2009 a bigger and better spectacle for supporters.</p> <p>"These rules have been debated long and hard in the Wimbledon boardroom," said tournament spokesperson Murray McRacket.</p> <p>"This will smooth over the faults we've seen for the last few years in the tournament and make it much more interesting."</p> <p>The new rules are as follows:</p> <blockquote><p>1) Automatic entry will be given to any player in the top 40 in the world, as long as they meet the requirements set out in appendix 1.</p> <p>2) Remaining places will be handed out to players dependant on world ranking and previous Wimbledon performance, subject to the player meeting the requirements set out in appendix 1.</p> <p>3) Any player can, at the tournament organiser's discretion, be awarded a bye into any round the organiser's feel is worthy of their placing.</p> <p>4) All matches will be decided across three sets for women's singles and five sets for men's singles, followed by a public phone vote and a round with the clapometer in the court. The votes will be run according to the rules set out in appendix 2.</p> <p>5) The organiser's decision is final, the winning of a match does not necessarily grant the victor a game in the next round.</p> <p><strong>Appendix 1 - Player eligibility.</strong></p> <p>All players must fulfil one of two qualifications.</p> <p>1) Be British.</p> <p>or</p> <p>2) Have never played tennis before.</p> <p><strong>Appendix 2 - voting rules.</strong></p> <p>All public phone votes will have the numbers printed clearly on the screen along with the disclaimer "Please do not vote for Andy Murray's opponent as your vote will not be counted but you may still be charged.</p></blockquote> <p>Despite the new regulations William Hill, BetFair and Ladbrokes all have Andy Murray at 5,000,000-1 to win Wimbledon in the next ten years. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/07/02/wimbledon-reveals-new-entry-qualificatio-4395706/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/07/02/wimbledon-reveals-new-entry-qualificatio-4395706/Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:54:56 +0200 <p>(Heaven): There was surprise and indignation around the world today when God admitted that the constant stream of sunshine on a Monday morning was a planned attempt at punishing mankind.</p> <p>"Seriously, you guys just twist my beard the wrong way," said the deity when interviewed on God.TV.</p> <p>"Wars, homophobia, abuse, a lack of caring for the environment... I gotta find SOME way to stop you people being so stupid."</p> <p>For many years weather related punishments have been rife with wet bank holiday mondays widely seen as a sign of God's displeasure at the continued popularity of The Krankies.</p> <p>Now this new scheme looks so effective it will become a year-long scheme with days specially made longer during Winter just to torment people with bright sunny Mondays.</p> <p>However, the news wasn't all bad.</p> <p>"I've given you guys a break with no rain through Wimbledon," admitted God.</p> <p>"But that's largely because I can't stand the thought of Cliff Richard singing again either..." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/06/30/monday-weather-deliberate-punishment-4383880/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/06/30/monday-weather-deliberate-punishment-4383880/Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:03:46 +0200 <p>(London): Ministerial spokesperson Malcolm DeConnerie today told reporters that the Government were highly apologetic after a member of the public discovered the Minister for Barking the Rt Hon Margaret Hodge MBE left on the 12.15 London to Liverpool train.</p> <p>Hodge, Minister of State at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, appears to have been mislaid by a lesser member of the civil service who had been taking her to a conference in Winchester.</p> <p>The minister was discovered by Mr John Pratt of Liverpool who handed the mislaid lady to the News Of The World for safekeeping.</p> <p>"I couldn't believe it," said Mr Pratt. "I sat down and nudged something with my foot, I was expecting a used beer can, not an information laden Sexagenarian that any terrorist could have read."</p> <p>The News of the World handed the minister over to a government courier with assurances she hadn't been read by Mr Pratt or themselves.</p> <p>DeConnerie read a statement out during the press conference: "We are extremely concerned about what has happened and we will be taking steps to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future.</p> <p>"From now on all ministers will have to be signed for when removed from the premises and will be tagged with a GPS tracking device."</p> <p>The discovery came only days after Secretary of State for Innovation, Universities and Skills John Denham was found abandoned on a roundabout in Devon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/06/14/government-minister-found-on-train-4316101/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/06/14/government-minister-found-on-train-4316101/Sat, 14 Jun 2008 21:14:41 +0200 <p>(London): ITV were today celebrating commissioning a brand new Reality TV show called 'Cut Out The Middleman' that promises to streamline the Reality TV genre.</p> <p>The show will avoid the current short stop for entrants in either musical theatre, the world of pop or talkshows and move straight to the end product.</p> <p>"It's making things a lot more simplistic," said ITV spokesperson Michael Paid.</p> <p>"Right now entrants go through so many levels, the selection process, the show itself, the trauma of voting off or eviction, then another useless middle stage of some kind of fame before the final destination of panto star or Big Issue salesperson."</p> <p>To successfully pass the audition process all entrants will need to show a complete lack of shame or self interest.</p> <p>"Why make these poor people go through a pop career or some kind of West End show simply to fade into a more logical job," asked Paid.</p> <p>"This way we 'Cut Out The Middleman' and they end up where we all know they will..."</p> <p>There have already been thousands of entrants hoping to win Season One's big prize, the chance to present the Crochet Hour on QVC between 3 and 4am with a guaranteed spot in the Wilton on Tone village production of Peter Pan as second Pirate on the left. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/new-reality-tv-show-cuts-out-the-middlem-4024475/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/new-reality-tv-show-cuts-out-the-middlem-4024475/Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:07:37 +0200 <p>(London): In a special report we here at the AJ News Network can exclusively reveal the behind the scenes conspiracy that has dogged the opening of Heathrow's new Terminal 5.</p> <p>When opened T5 was seen as the latest expansion in a busy airport that would facilitate easy travel for thousands of British tourists.</p> <p>However, shocking evidence has now come to light to suggest an ulterior motive.</p> <p>The AJNN corporation have in their possession documents signed by many of the major European heads of state promising to subsidise Heathrow's expansion as long as it met "certain criteria".</p> <p>These criteria, that included the proviso that the entire admin system would run on a Sinclair Spectrum 48K, were put together over the course of a few months by the European states and had to be put into practice with no argument or the money would not be forthcoming.</p> <p>The committee have now agreed to go public on their reasons.</p> <p>"It seemed the best way," said spokesperson Pierre Lapierre.</p> <p>"This way none of the European countries have to deal with any British tourists this Summer."</p> <p>Stating such reasons as drunken behaviour, the wearing of speedos and the insistence of tomato ketchup with every meal the new T5 was seen as the only way to prevent any British person from flying abroad.</p> <p>"Seriously, it was no trouble at all to raise the money," said Lapierre.</p> <p>"Once we realised just a few million pounds from each nation would stop us from ever having to see one more pasty white chav in burberry swimming shorts in our lovely countries again it all came together nicely.</p> <p>"In fact we still have some left over, the committee are in talks as we speak with the Eurostar consortium about a new terminal at St Pancras..." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/04/06/european-conspiracy-behind-terminal-4002446/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/04/06/european-conspiracy-behind-terminal-4002446/Sun, 06 Apr 2008 11:44:24 +0200 <p>(Seattle): Huge financial penalties were looming today after various social networking sites sued and counter-sued each other over the poaching of their hottest talent.</p> <p>The crisis began when highly viewed MySpacer VapidHotChick received an email invite from opposition site Bebo.</p> <p>Her post on it in her MySpace blog prompted the company to file a lawsuit against Bebo through Social Networking lawyers Bloggit, Stumble 'n' Digg.</p> <p>"It's a clear case of tapping up," said Eustace F. Bloggit, partner at the firm.</p> <p>"VapidHotChick is a serial inviter who insists on anyone she meets joining MySpace where they can look at her 'artistic' profile photo.</p> <p>"This attempt by Bebo is nothing short of a malicious theft of revenue from my esteemed customer."</p> <p>Bebo have counter sued MySpace over what they say is an equal charge of tapping up after a 'concerted push' by MySpace to attract virginal computer nerds, a Bebo staple, with their users' scantily clad images.</p> <p>This has caused a stunning tit-for-tat fight between the various networking sites and a sudden cease-fire of all mass-marketing spam from all sites pending a legal review.</p> <p>Potentially one of the most stunning moves was the potential move of BCUK founder member Juzzzy to Blogspot, a move that only fell through when neither side could agree on who was supposed to pay who. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/28/potential-massive-fines-for-poaching-ris-3959107/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/28/potential-massive-fines-for-poaching-ris-3959107/Fri, 28 Mar 2008 21:04:00 +0100 <p>(Cambridge): There were waves of shock running through the magical otherworlds today when writs were served against one of it's most popular charitable philanthropists.</p> <p>According to official court records Mr E. Bunny of 12, the Burrows, Fairy Forest has been named Defendant in a class action lawsuit featuring approximately 9 million cases of supplying an addictive substance knowingly.</p> <p>Mr Bunny has been distributing rich chocolate snacks around the world for many decades now but is now becoming the rather big butt of the obese's problems.</p> <p>"He knew he'd get me hooked," said Mrs Zelda Fremington of Chicago, Illinois.</p> <p>"Once I had one... I knew there was no chance of me ever giving up."</p> <p>His goods, known on the street as 'brown', 'yummy' and 'nom nom', have gone so far around the world to be recogniseable to most of the civilised population.</p> <p>"It's all his fault I'm like this," said Fremington, a mother of one who's trailer is the largest in the park of 4,000.</p> <p>"Some day's I eat so much of his gear I can barely finish an entire Bargain Bucket from KFC..."</p> <p>Mr Bunny has so far been unavailable for comment but the prosecuting lawyers, Robbem, Filchem and Nabbit, have released the following statement.</p> <p>"This is just the first case where a so-called "imaginary" character will be brought to task for problems they themselves recklessly create."</p> <p>One more class action suit is currently being prepared by Robbem, Filchem and Nabbit.</p> <p>Reportedly it is against a Mr Patrick Saint, prosecuting against various regretted sexual encounters due to the partaking of Guinness as promoted by his Holy self in March. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/21/mass-litigation-for-public-spirited-phil-3915110/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/21/mass-litigation-for-public-spirited-phil-3915110/Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:03:04 +0100 <p>(Washington): The UN today were forced into an emergency seating after George Bush announced the United States of America had invaded yet another facist dictatorship in hope of freeing it's downtrodden masses, Iowa.</p> <p>The attack, codenamed Operation Buckwheat, began with a sudden surge of armed forces from across America and many of it's Allies.</p> <p>In a worrying development there were reports that many US soldiers were already placed in the largely farming country known in American as Iowa, also known in the native tongue as Iowa.</p> <p>After a drive that moved forces deep into the heart the invasion stalled for a short time when all enemies appeared to be under deep cover, meaning a complete lack of resistance and a disturbingly easy entrance.</p> <p>The seemingly peaceful invasion however took a turn for the worse when, in the middle of an advance into capital Des Moines, Corporal Hank Callaghan was given a rather nasty slap by Iowan resident Edith Prickleton after he trampled the hydrangeas in her front garden.</p> <p>From that point the invasion was stepped up from Condition Taupe to Condition A-Sort-Of-Greenish-Blue and Martial Law declared.</p> <p>"I can't wait to visit a free Iowa," exclaimed President Bush in a national address.</p> <p>"I feel we've struck a... a... a strike against the enemy in the War on Terror."</p> <p>However a short press conference was called by deposed Iowa Governer Chet Culver.</p> <p>"With full respect to the Commander in Chief I make the following statement... You don't have to invade <strong>everywhere</strong> with a four letter name beginning with an <strong>I</strong> you inbred hick.</p> <p>"Thank you for coming." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/03/america-invades-itself-3812733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/03/03/america-invades-itself-3812733/Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:21:33 +0100 <p>There was widespread shock across the popular cybergirlongirl.co.uk chatrooms today when it was discovered one member of the lesbian-only site, Melinda Cranxford, was discovered to be not only a woman, but a lesbian.</p> <p>"It's abysmal," ranted site member FoxyRoxy36D, "We come on here to meet hot bisexual girls, not women who only like <strong>women</strong>."</p> <p>Roxy, real name James Lovemeat, a 42 year old father of one from Nailsea, was the first member to complain about Cranxford when she repeatedly refused to take part in threesome cyber sex.</p> <p>"It was a real shock when I asked her the standard question "would you ever go with a bloke" and she replied no!" Exclaimed Roxy/Lovemeat.</p> <p>"Standard chatroom protocol is to say yes and make up a quick story of a drunken fumble which fired off a secret desire for sex with men..."</p> <p>Cranxford also failed to take part in the site's most popular fantasy, the woman given a magical penis and allowed to have sex <em>exactly</em> like a man.</p> <p>When the AJNN crew researched the 192,494 members of the site 192,493 admitted to being male with the final member asking for 14 years of crossdressing as a panto dame to be taken into consideration. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/02/03/chatroom_shock~3674582/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/02/03/chatroom_shock~3674582/Sun, 03 Feb 2008 19:36:27 +0100 <p>A percentage of Americans were today jubilant over the success of that bloke, you know the one with the grey hair, won in someplace and might now be on course to be president, or not.</p> <p>"It was a mammoth night," admitted one fan of one of the participants.</p> <p>"I'm not really sure what we did today but I got a free badge and I got to make that guy more important."</p> <p>The fan then pointed to a tall guy chatting to a short guy, only to be told that was actually one of the other candidates.</p> <p>In reply the fan admitted he'd only voted for what's his face because his name reminded her of oven chips.</p> <p>The race is still on between the grey haired guy and the guy with the silly name while that bloke from 9/11, you know the bald one, has dropped out.</p> <p>In the Eastern Conference Premier Second Division it's still between that ex-first lady woman, the guy who looks a bit like Tiger Woods and the Chicago Bears.</p> <p>With just 19 more caucuses, 12 Primaries, 9 Secondaries, 73 Conclaves, 19 Luaus, 42 Garden Parties and a Bar Mitzvah to go things are really hotting up in the race to see who gets to be in the race to the White House. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/some_of_america_celebrates_as_what_s_his~3656692/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/some_of_america_celebrates_as_what_s_his~3656692/Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:11:41 +0100 <p>The British rail network was in chaos today after freak, unexpected bout of weather.</p> <p>"It came as a complete shock," said spokesperson Cecil Casterthwaite.</p> <p>"I don't think anyone would say they expected rain in England in January..."</p> <p>Rail networks are also feeling the financial pinch after stocking up on suntan lotion and iced drinks that have been pitifully undersold. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/01/11/rail_network_stopped_by_freak_weather~3563183/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2008/01/11/rail_network_stopped_by_freak_weather~3563183/Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:59:13 +0100 <p>(Lapland): With a face the same colour as his Coca Cola sponsored outfit, Father Christmas today announced the loss of various CD-ROM discs containing personal details.</p> <p>"We believe the discs are still in the workshop," said the Less-Than-Jolly Fat Man.</p> <p>"As we speak my elves are doing a detailed forensic examination of the area under the watchful eye of security head, Rudolph."</p> <p>The discs contained names, addresses, contact details, desired presents and details of who is naughty or nice.</p> <p>It's now believed they may have been posted out by accident in a pre-paid envelope that should have contained a credit card application.</p> <p>"We understand the seriousness of the situation," said Mr Christmas. "We were given these details in good faith and had a duty to keep them safe."</p> <p>Despite the loss Mr Christmas informed everyone who had applied for presents would recieve what had been asked for thanks to his dual backup system of memory and guessing.</p> <p>"It's not a problem, it really isn't," he assured reporters.</p> <p>"I'd better be off though, I have this 'Crochet-A-Duvet' set for Nick, 44, of London and this box set of 'Sweet Young Asses #1-6' on DVD for Nichola, 94, of London."</p> <p>There are now worries that some of the naughty/nice details may have been leaked on the internet after Miss Crystal Spheres, 22, of Texas recieved 49,523 emails asking for a date. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2007/12/21/santa_loses_christmas_list_details~3473715/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2007/12/21/santa_loses_christmas_list_details~3473715/Fri, 21 Dec 2007 11:07:36 +0100 <p>(Heaven): God shocked much of the listenership to a celestial radio station today by admitting he doesn't believe in Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.</p> <p>When asked in aquickfire Q&A session what he thought of the new leader of Britain's bridesmaid party he simply replied "no".</p> <p>He later expounded on his theories in a newspaper interview with The Son.</p> <p>"I have friends and family members who have faith in a Nick Clegg and I respect their beliefs"</p> <p>In a survey of other deities most indicated a similar level of disbelief in Nick Clegg although Poseiden did admit to lusting after Anne Widdecombe. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2007/12/19/god_admits_he_doesn_t_believe_in_nick_cl~3466268/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://ajnewsnetwork.blog.co.uk/2007/12/19/god_admits_he_doesn_t_believe_in_nick_cl~3466268/Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:15:36 +0100